Fifty Shades Starting Over
by SD130413
Summary: Continuing on from Fifty Shades Written - It's been a year since Christian Grey was killed and Ana knows it's time for her to start living again. The past year has been undeniable hell but 365 days later and she knows that surviving alone is no longer an option.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **I have decided to forget about Fifty Shades Beginning Again, after taking such a long break from it and re-reading Unwritten and Written over the past couple of weeks I have decided to continue the story this way instead. The updates will not be regular as they were before (3 or 4 a day) but I hope to get one or two a week up at the least while I quietly work on my next novel.

Thanks to those of you who have decided to jump back into this story with me.

**Fifty Shades Starting Over**

**It's been a year since Christian Grey was killed and Ana knows it's time for her to start living again. The past year has been undeniable hell but 365 days later and she knows that surviving alone is no longer an option. **

**January 1st 2015**

"Hello Christian." I say quietly as I gaze down at the recently carved headstone.

It's been exactly a year since he was killed, the longest year of my life. I cannot believe that I have actually survived it without him. Every day I wake up and every day I want to curl back and die because it would be easier than spending a day without Christian with me. However my children, our children, have been my reason to get out of bed every day.

"I know I don't come here often." I really don't. In all honesty, I actually avoid this place as if it was holding the plague. "I don't even like to believe that you're here because even though your body is, I know your soul isn't, it's in the house, it's with me and the children day in and day out. So I haven't felt the need to come here."

I look at the large bunch of white roses that I bought here. I decided to venture here today so that I could leave some flowers here just in recognition of the date that he was cruelly snatched away from me.

"I felt you with me at the court house last month. I can't believe it took so long for the case to go on but I'm so relieved that the bastards who caused your death are behind bars. Four times over the drink drive limit and an unsecure load took you from me and the kids far too early, at least the bastards are paying now even though a lifetime wouldn't be enough, not even the death penalty would feel like justice."

I sigh and wipe at the stray tear that slips, I know there are press nearby and even though they're giving me the semblance of privacy they are watching at a distance and using long lense cameras and I don't want them to see me cry.

"It's James' birthday today. I can't believe he's one years old already. He looks more and more like you every day and it can still be very painful to look at him, he's my beautiful baby boy but he can break my heart and mend it in one single look. It's indescribable. Damn it you'd love spending time with him Christian, he's much more advance than India was because he's learning things from her. I can't believe that she's passed two either, she's so bright and her personality is really showing. Her speech is really strong now and you can't take your eyes off her for a single minute or she'll be gone." I chuckle remembering how I caught her on the couch in my study after I'd gone to fetch James from his nap. The panic that had rushed through me at that moment when I realised she wasn't where I left her was insane. My heart had started to pound hard in my chest and my head had started spinning. Oh if anything happened to any of them it would really be the end of me.

"I know this last year I've just been surviving because I've had to. I've tried to be a good mom to India and James but all I've been doing is existing. If you could tell me how you felt about the way I was living I know you'd be angry. I've let myself go, I've not been to work in a year, I've left everything to everyone else other than the children and I realise that today it has to stop. I have had a year to get used to the fact that you're not here, a whole damn year sitting on my ass doing nothing more than be a mother because I couldn't handle the fact that you were gone. Most people don't have the luxury I've had, the means to be able to stay home and not worry about money or anything. Your mother has been trying to persuade me for a while that it's time to get my act together, but it's been so hard Christian. I agree now though, it really is time to stop simply existing. I think I'm going to go back to music, it's been my only escape this past year. I've written hundreds and hundreds of songs and I've sat for hours and hours during sleepless nights at your piano pressing random keys just to try and make music."

I sigh and shake my head, I still feel so lost and alone at times and I try all the time to talk to Christian especially at those moments I feel like he's with me, that for a moment I'm not alone. It never feels right though, I also feel like I'm trying to justify my decisions to someone who is no longer with me.

"The press are still extremely interested in us. According to Tito and Lila it will work in my favour when I start recording and releasing again but it's still a pain in the ass. Actually, Oprah's team have been in touch over and over again over the past year and they're so happy that I've finally said yes. I think it's the first step in getting out there again, back to work, back to really living. It's a chance to put to rest all the speculation and rumours that have occurred over this past year and tell my story. Your mother really wanted me to do it months ago but I wasn't ready, in actual fact I'm still not but now I have to be, for myself and for our children."

I look at his name engraved in beautiful gold script on the marble stone. It breaks my heart knowing his body is here in the cold hard ground. Of course, it's where he wanted to be and where I will be when my time comes. It's a beautiful private patch of land and Christian's grave sits just a few feet from my mother's. Both of them face the sunset and I guess it's beautiful in one sense.

"Well it's our son's first birthday and as much as I don't want to leave I must because the entire family is coming around today for a birthday tea for James. I love you Christian and I always will."


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: ** Thank you so much to all of you who have welcomed me back! I'm ecstatic to have had this inspiration to continue with this story line. Sadly beginning again wasn't the way forward but I hope this will be!

**Fifty Shades Starting Over**

**It's been a year since Christian Grey was killed and Ana knows it's time for her to start living again. The past year has been undeniable hell but 365 days later and she knows that surviving alone is no longer an option. **

**Thursday January 1st 2015**

"Hey Ana." Grace smiles as she greats me at the door of my own home. She was the only one who knew exactly where I was going this morning.

"Hey Grace, has anyone arrived yet?" I ask knowing that all my family should be here soon.

"Just your Dad and Marge." She smiles, her head nodding towards the living room.

It feels really strange and wrong having everyone here for a celebration today. It's the anniversary of my husband's passing so it's very much bittersweet. However, it is also my son's birthday and that's what has to be important today, we're all still thinking of Christian but it's a celebration of the day that bought James Christian to us and I will not let anything spoil that, Christian wouldn't have allowed it.

"Carrie has the kids ready." Grace adds as I hang my car keys up by the door.

"That's great, I should get changed…"

"You look fine." Grace says her hand stroking my shoulder. I guess I won't change then! "Go and say Hi to your Dad Ana, he's barely seen you this past year."

She's right. I haven't been visiting family much at all this past year, instead a lot of family get-togethers were held right here. It was partly because I felt Christian here with me, he gave me what I needed to get through the celebrations and it was also because I struggled to leave the house and there was no guarantee that I would be able to on the days that the celebrations occurred.

"It's been a long year Grace." I say quietly, rubbing at my forehead. I've aged so much in these past 12 months, I know I look frail and sick most of the time but I have put weight back on in the most recent part of the year, I've been working to getting back out there, to start living again and Grace knows that more than anyone, she's been one of the biggest witnesses to it.

"Yes it has been." Grace agrees sadly. "But it has not been the worst, you've survived it Ana. Just as we all said you would."

"I know." I reply shakily, Grace has been trying to get me to move on for so long. When Oprah's team first made contact back in April, Grace thought it was the right time for me to start living again. Sadly I just couldn't. The thought of having to leave the house in April was just too much and working was absolutely out of the question if I couldn't do it from the comfort of my own house.

"I don't know what's happened since Christmas Ana, but you're doing amazingly. I'm so excited now for what the future holds for you, starting with Oprah tomorrow. Now go in there, see your father and his wife while I fetch everyone else who's here."

"Thanks Grace." I give her a quick hug and a kiss on the head. This woman has been my absolute rock. It's amazing to think she lost her son a year ago and all she's done is fight to get me back but I can also understand it too. I mean when I lost Hannah, I sort of lost Luke there along the way and I had to fight to get him back to me.

I walk into the living room, unchanged other than the additional photos of India and James as they've grown this past year. In all honesty, there are very few things that have been changed in this house.

"Hey Daddy." I say as he and Marge stand to greet me. I quickly hug him, hold him tight in my arms and inhale his scent. For the first time since I lost Christian a whole year ago, I actually realise that I have missed my Dad and having him around.

"Hey Annie, you're looking real good sweetheart." Ray smiles, letting go of me so he can eye me up properly. I smile shyly. I know I do look a lot better to the last time he really saw me on Christmas Day. Just this week I've had this real energy surround me telling me it's time to start living again and damn it's been amazing just to have the feeling of wanting to do something and the energy to actually get on with it.

"Thanks Dad. I'm doing ok. How are you?" I ask, trying to shift the attention back from me. I know my entire family is going to comment on the fact my cheeks have more colour and my aura is brighter, I want to deflect as much of it as possible.

"We're doing ok." He smiles rubbing Marge's arm uncomfortably. I am still convinced that people are afraid to show affection to their loved ones around me. Probably because for the first few weeks it would set me off into becoming a hysterical wreck. I would see a look, a touch and then come to the realisation that I'd never have that again, not with the only man I've ever loved, my darling husband.

"Nice to see you again Marge." I say turning my attention to the woman I recognise now as my step-mother though I don't think she'll ever really hear me refer to her as that when she's around. I have on multiple-times used it in discussion with others when she has come up in a conversation. It's easier than saying 'my dad's wife'.

"You too sweetheart, how are you keeping?" She asks giving me a hug.

"I'm doing really well thank you. I mean better than expected anyhow." I shrug just as I hear the door open. More of my family have arrived to spend the afternoon with James on his first birthday.

As more and more of the family arrive, I realise that I've really been a shit person this past year. I haven't been caring about them as I should, instead focusing my entire attention on the children. Mia looks awesome, she's heavily pregnant with her and Ryan's first child and I realise I have no idea just how far along she is. Caleb Scott Grey turned one not too long ago and it was almost impossible for me to go shopping for his gift. Thank God for online shopping, I wanted it to be a gift that I chose for him myself but it was almost impossible.

Kate and Elliot are doing better than ever too and I know they're trying for a second child, Kate's desperate to be a mom again and is dying for a daughter.

Then of course there's little Zach who's growing up so well and still asking for a little sister. I know that Gail and Taylor want another child, I've overheard them talking about it more than once and I've been a horrible employer in not encouraging them to go and chase their want for another child. I think the more children we have around the better it is for all of us. If I hadn't lost Christian, I'd want another child with him, maybe two or three. It's not like we don't have the space for it.

When the birthday boy joins us the fun really begins. Gail, Grace and I have put together a simple buffet rather than have a sit down meal and we can all go and help ourselves when and if we want it. India and Zach play games with Caleb and James, encouraging them more and more to show off their individual talents.

Kate and I have been pretty close this past year. With James only a few months younger than Caleb it was important to her that our children grow up together, not only as cousins but as best friends too. It has been partly something that has stopped me from wallowing this past year. Knowing Kate was on her way gave me another reason to get out of bed and get dressed.

I'll admit openly, that on some days I couldn't fathom getting out of bed and Carrie and Gail were loft in charge of the kids and I'd have some wallow time before Grace or Sandra turned up and forced me out of bed. I don't think they could understand that on some days it just was completely impossible for me to get up and find the energy to do anything.

I hope now though that this really is the beginning of starting to live again. I look around the room at my family who are all chatting and enjoying themselves and I can't help but feel so blessed to have them all in my life. It's actually amazing that if it wasn't for me meeting Christian and also falling in love with him and marrying him, these people wouldn't be here, they wouldn't be my family.

"Ana, Grace was telling me you hope to go back to work on Monday, do you know what you're going to do?" Carrick asks, brining many of the family member's attention to me.

"I'm going back to music." I reply smiling shyly, it's all I've been able to consider doing, the one thing Christian really ever encouraged me to do. "Lila and Tito have been working hard on the songs I've sent them, we're hoping to do a big comeback with my first single."

"That's fantastic to hear Ana." Carrick beams, I know he like everyone else has been particularly concerned about how I've been staying indoors.

"I'm really excited about it actually. I mean I've written so much this past year and so it will be nice to share them with people now and not keep them all to myself." I admit, showing all my loved ones exactly how my outlook has changed.

"Hey Grace was also saying you've got Oprah and her team coming tomorrow." Kate states. I guess she realises now I'm a little more willing to talk.

"It's time to put all the rumours and speculation to bed and get ready to start living." I smile sadly. Kate just nods and decides not to press me any further about it, which I must admit I'm pleased. Doing the interview with Oprah tomorrow is going to be hard enough, the last time she came to see me it was after I had India now that little girl is over two years old and there's no James and no Christian. I know it's a tell all about how the last year has been, from losing Christian to getting back on my feet but I also know it's going to be the hardest interview of my life, harder than admitting that I went to the point of being suicidal.

I will have to walk into rooms tomorrow that I haven't been in since Christian died. I haven't had the stomach to do any of it and having Oprah here might be that final push I need to do it. There have been a lot of things on my mind, including moving from this house, clearing everything out and start again but I'm not yet ready to really consider those things. This was the house Christian and I made a home, closing the door on this would be closing the door on our relationship completely. Could I really do that? Not yet that's for sure.

"So when can we expect your comeback single out Ana?" Mia asks, her hand rubbing her bump as she talks. I smile, she makes a beautiful pregnant woman.

"End of the month, we're aiming to make it quick so that we can start working on the album and really get the comeback out there." I explain feeling this a comfortable topic as it doesn't surround my feelings, they're just fact.

"I can't wait to hear it!" Mia squeals excitedly. "What type of song are you doing?"

"I think you'll all have to wait and find out." I reply, not wanting to go into any specifics.

"Right how about we do James' cake?" Grace asks, knowing that this conversation is now heading to uncertain territory.

"I'll sort it." I say getting to my feet. He's my son, I want to bring him his first birthday cake that I spent hours on the phone with the bakery getting designed to perfection.

Grace lets me go on my own down to the kitchen. The two tier Elmo birthday cake has been sitting in the fridge since it arrived first thing this morning and I can't wait to present it to my little prince. It's all pastel colours with happy birthday on the board in red with a red diaper baby Elmo on top. The number one is in bright yellow and red on the side of the square bottom tier shaped like a birthday gift with the second tear an oval and patterned. It cost a small fortune but nothing's too much when it comes to my children.

Since Christian's passing my attitude towards money has really changed, especially when it comes to the children. Their trust funds are locked until either they have a child or turn twenty one, as per Christian's will but they do have another bank account each that I transfer a set amount of money into every month from both GEH and AG Inc for when they are older. Currently, that money contributes towards everything else they need and they can have access to it when they're at an age where they can be a little more responsible with money but can have confidence from having their own funds to manage. That's the idea any way. I'm still quite wary when I spend on myself and I don't really spend on myself like I used too, I haven't seen the point. However on Saturday Grace and I are going to Neiman Marcus shopping so I can replenish my wardrobe in time for my big comeback.

As I carry the cake into the front room, the kids all gawp and James' eyes light up. The entire family begins singing 'Happy Birthday' on the top of their lungs making me smile happily. I can't believe my little boy is one years old! It's been the longest year of my life in so many ways but then it seems like only yesterday I held James in my arms for the first time. It's one of those happy yet sad moments on reflection.

I help James blow out the candle while some members of the family snap photos. Even India comes to have a look, somehow understanding the cake is for James but still wanting to be in on the fun. I re-light the candle for her to blow out before Grace helps me stand so that I can go cut this beautiful piece of art that someone spent hours on so that we can all eat.

It's strange, as I stand in the kitchen cutting the vanilla and chocolate cake I feel more normal that I have in an entire year… this really is a fresh start, not just for me but my kids too.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: ** Thank you everyone who has come back to continue on this journey with me, I'm so grateful. I had been trying to continue Beginning Again for a while but I didn't like where I'd gone with the story and so this story is a complete different take on Ana's life post Christian, I cannot say whether or not I will have Ana with Luke or anyone else for that matter but Luke will be in the story a lot because he's still Ana's guard and one of her best friends.

I know many people didn't enjoy the Oprah scene the last time I did it, however the reason I have done it this way is that you get a complete summary of the last year before the story begins moving forward. It was the easiest way to do it, straight from the horse's mouth if you will.

**Fifty Shades Starting Over**

**It's been a year since Christian Grey was killed and Ana knows it's time for her to start living again. The past year has been undeniable hell but 365 days later and she knows that surviving alone is no longer an option. **

**Friday January 2nd 2015**

Carrie has India and James upstairs in the nursery while I wait nervously for Oprah. I have to keep reminding me this is my first real step forward before I start my career again, a tell all interview in the comfort of my home to put to bed the rumours and the speculation that has occurred over the past twelve months. I must admit I am a little bit excited too, Oprah is going to be here again in my house and she's giving me a chance to have my say.

Not a single member of my family know really what's going on and this time there will be no sitting down to watch it all together as we did last time. I've put my foot down on that aspect. Instead I will sit and watch it on my own and wait for the phone calls to come my way. I don't have the courage like I had before.

I look in the hallway mirror. My hair is scooped back in a simple ponytail, it's much shorter now than when I was married to Christian. It's cut to balance on my shoulders with some nice chopped layers which all don't fit into the ponytail, leaving some to fall around my face. I have a little make up on, just to show I've made an effort. Then my clothes are simple and comfortable, a white cowl neck wool sweater with a pair of dark skinny jeans and blue canvas crocheted Toms on my feet. Simple and comfortable for what's going on.

I know where the topic of conversation is going to start, right at the deep end with Christian's death. That's ok I guess, I mean I've grieved and dealt with Christian's passing. It's the living without him that's been hardest to accept and go on with. I've been mentally preparing myself to face Oprah ever since I accepted the offer, the day after Christmas.

I answer the door within seconds of Oprah knocking, the camera crew like last time have been here for a couple of hours capturing shots and setting up and making sure I was mic'd up and ready to go. Now though the real fun begins. I say fun of course in the most sarcastic way.

"Ana my love oh it's good to see you." Oprah pulls me straight into a hug as if we've been best friends for ever.

"You too Oprah." I reply hugging her back tightly, letting her know in my own little way how terrified I really am about today. "Come on, come inside out of the cold." I encourage, feeling the need to get this over and done with as soon as possible.

We enter the living room where Gail has already been setting up the tea tray for Oprah and I. As I settle to make us both a strong coffee, Oprah decides to start looking around the room where she sat just over two years ago.

I know she sees the tiny few changes, the additional pictures on the walls of my beautiful children but other than that, there are no changes to this room. It's only ever used when I have family over or when it's been really cold to have a duvet day with my children. I spend more time in their nursery with them than anywhere and alone in my study.

"Here's a coffee. Help yourself to sugar and cream." I say nervously as Oprah finally turns from the grand fireplace that holds a myriad of framed photographs.

"Thank you." She replied giving me a smile as I grab my own coffee and sit on the couch. I was directed where to sit this morning as Oprah apparently only wants to tell me the order of the stuff we're going to chat about and then jump straight in there, just like last time. "Ok Ana." She smiles coming to sit behind me. "I know the team have told you briefly what we want to talk about but I want you to know we'll take all of this at your pace ok?"

"Thanks." I smile shyly, I know she's aware of how nervous I am.

"Ok, the first things I want to get through are the car accident, the birth of your son and then of course your husband's passing…"

"Christian." I say quietly. "Please call him by his name." I don't like people referring to him as just my husband. He was first and foremost my husband and our children's father but he was also an enigma known world-wide as Christian Grey and I actually see it as disrespectful not use his name.

"I apologise. Christian's passing. Are you ok with that?" Oprah continues.

"Yes, that's what I expected." I reply.

"Good, if you need to break at any time just tell us so and we can do that. Then afterwards we'll talk a little about the year, maybe go up to the nursery to chat about that?"

"Ok that's fine." I agree even though I'm not one hundred percent comfortable recording in my babies' sanctuary.

"Good. Right whenever you're ready we'll start." Oprah says, she really isn't messing around or wasting any time.

"I'm ready." I say before I can change my mind.

The camera begins to roll and Oprah receives a small nod from the man behind it. She turns to me and I see her TV Personality appear right before my very eyes. This is it now, there is no turning back. I guess I'm just lucky this isn't a live broadcast.

"So Ana, it's been a year since the press or public has heard anything new from you. Ever since your husband, Christian, died you've almost disappeared from the public eye. I know you've started talking about a comeback, you've been more active on twitter this week than you have been all year, you were papped going into Grey Records looking more alive than any picture that's been seen of you this year and then you've agreed to talk to us. Will you explain to me why that is?"

"When Christian died, a huge part of me died with him Oprah but it's been a year now it's time for me to stop simply surviving and start living again. I know in my heart Christian would hate that I've spent a whole year just existing. I've had the luxury of being able to take all the time in the world to get back on my feet, to just be a mom to my babies. It's time now for me to start living again but there are a few things that need to be discussed and dealt with before I can really start living again." I explain it the way I had planned to, I knew that the first question would involve the 'why now?'.

"What do you believe needs to be discussed and dealt with first?" Oprah asks, haggling for the true meaning of my statement so that she has an opening into discussing what really happened on January first, twenty fourteen.

"There have been many rumours and speculation regarding what really happened when Christian died, when my son was born and what happened in the car accident. I need to clarify all of it so that I can put it to bed before I start trying to live again. I currently exist only in other peoples' interpretation and lies of what happened last year and until I tell my story I can't put it away and start moving on." I explain trying not to get upset this early on in the interview. I know it is going to get a lot harder before it starts getting better.

"This disappearance of yours from the public eye started in the car crash that happened on January First last year. The public all know there was a prosecution but your legal team had the court closed from the press and public so nobody knows exactly what happened on that terrible day. Can you tell us what you know and remember?"

I take a deep breath. I haven't really talked about the car crash with anyone since it happened. I have gone through a lot of sessions with Sandra, she's been my absolute rock this year in terms of having someone to talk to about what happened and how it has affected me because she was slightly impartial. Other people lost Christian in that car crash and so I've not been able to discuss it with them. So other than Sandra and a brief appearance in the witness box in court, this is the first time I'm going to really go into this.

"It was horrible." Is all I can say before I realise my voice is shaking. Oprah's free hand, the one not holding onto her coffee, goes to my knee in silent encouragement and I take another deep breath before I carry on. "We'd been to Christian's parents' house to see in the New Year and had stayed over. The next day we were really ready to get home with our daughter and wait for the arrival of our son due on the fifth. Christian had bought me the car as a Christmas present but he wasn't comfortable with me driving home having not had much sleep the night before and being heavily pregnant and so he drove. In the vehicle behind us was our head of security and my personal security, their children and our housekeeper who had been at my in law's with us." That's the easiest part of this story. Of course, there are some aspects I have decided not to share but there's a lot of it that I will be and it's hard to find the words to express it all.

"Had Christian been drinking the night before?" Oprah asks.

"Yes but not that much, I've only ever seen Christian drunk once, he knew his limits." I reply angrily, I will not have her try and turn this on Christian.

"I'm sorry I had to ask, it's one of the questions that has never been answered."

"His blood alcohol level in the post mortem was lower than the legal drink drive limit." I state firmly so that they know the full truth.

"Ok so what happened on the way home Ana?"

"A drunk driver, four times the legal limit, cut off the security SVU and came behind Christian and I. We were driving behind a large open truck carrying glass panes some expensive brand used in sky scrapers and stuff. The drunk driver missed the brake and hit the accelerator and smashed into the back of us. I vaguely remember the car jerking forward and the smash before I blacked out."

"Do you know how long you were out for?"

"Long enough for the emergency services to get to us. When I woke I was aware of the flashing lights, the noise, my daughter screaming behind me and then I realised I was stuck. There was a screen separating Christian and I that I know now that he asked to have put there before I became conscious. I told him I could feel my legs and then I had my first contraction. He kept telling me he was ok, that he was a little hurt but he was ok. A lot of it is a blur Oprah I'll be honest. They took India out first and rushed her to hospital even though she wasn't hurt, then they got me out of the car. Christian kept telling me he loved us and our baby and India and I was reassuring him, telling him I loved him too."

"What was wrong with Christian?"

"At that moment I didn't know. Now I do, now I know that the load on the back of the truck wasn't secured properly and the glass panes on Christian's side slide off the back and straight into the car." I take a deep shaky breath and swallow the lump in my throat. It's horrible knowing what happened to him, I wish no one had told me in all honesty but I also had to know, I needed to know what exactly had killed my husband.

"My husband had been severed… the glass pane cut him in half and it kept him alive until I was removed from the car and taken to the ambulance where an emergency doctor on scene gave him a drug to end his suffering." I manage to say before a lone tear slips from my eye. Oprah squeezes my leg and one of the producers in my living room passes me a tissue.

I wipe my eye. I can do this, I've been preparing myself for this and so I know I have the strength to get through this.

"When you were in the ambulance did you know he was dead?" Oprah asks, I guess she feels like I've been given enough time to recuperate.

"No. I was in the ambulance and I looked at my husband's security guard who had been ordered with me. I told him I needed to push, my son was coming and I couldn't stop it. We had to deliver my baby right there in the ambulance and as soon as he was put in my arms I passed out."

"You passed out?"

"Yeah the stress and panic caused it I guess, I never really asked. What I do know is that I flat lined in that ambulance and while the emergency responder worked on bringing me back, Jason Taylor held my newborn son and prayed that I wouldn't die. Thankfully, the CPR worked and once I was at the hospital and I was given medication and blood and fluid I came back to myself."

"So you don't remember what happened between delivering your son and arriving in the hospital?"

"Nope, I have bits and pieces that are a confusion of real memories and stuff people have told me that I guess have become fake memories." I admit bashfully. Truth is I have no idea if what I remember are memories and things I really do remember or just things I believe I remember because someone told me it happened. It's all a big blurry mess and I can't possibly clean it up.

"That makes sense." Oprah reassures. "So when did you find out Christian had died?"

"My friend Kate came into my room. I was sat with my mother in law and with my son. I asked Grace if she could find out where my husband was so that I could introduce him to our son. She got up and left and Kate filled me in on what happened in the ambulance, that I'd basically died and then this overwhelming pain washed over me and I just knew…" I've decided against telling the world that I saw my husband in the light when I died in the ambulance because I think I'd be branded a psycho and thrown into a nut house.

"You just knew what?" Oprah pushed, wanting me to say the words she's thinking.

"I knew Christian was dead, no one had to tell me that he'd gone. I just knew." I reply.

Oprah gives me a few minutes to compose myself before I go on, she isn't going to question me for a minute, she's going to allow me to tell the story.

"I became hysterical and Kate hurried off to find Grace, she came back, took my son from me and drugged me because it was the only thing she could do under the circumstances. I not long ago found out that while Grace had left to find out where Christian was she'd found out he was in the morgue."

"How did you feel knowing you'd never see him again?"

"The pain was and is indescribable. The only difference between now and then is that I've learned to live with the pain." I admit openly, it's true, I don't think the pain will ever lessen or disappear, it's just learning to live with the pain that's changing, it's becoming easier every day now. "It honestly felt like someone had opened me up without anaesthesia and removed my heart and had left me there bleeding out. I mean it's the only way I can describe it, I was absolutely consumed by pain and I felt it mainly in my heart. My beautiful husband had gone, he was dead and I couldn't do anything about it."

"He had a closed casket funeral but did you see him after he'd died?"

"I went to the morgue a few hours later when I'd come round from the drugs. I needed to say goodbye, he took that chance away from me by not telling me in the car that that was it, that I'd never see him again and so I needed to see him, if anything I needed to see him to believe it."

"What did you say to him?" Oprah questions but I'm not willing to share that with the world.

"I just told him I loved him and that I'd miss him." I reply, not going into detail.

"What did he look like? Is that image of him imprinted in your mind?"

"Of course, it was the last time I saw my beautiful husband's face, it's always going to be in my mind. He almost looked like he was sleeping, the autopsy wasn't really thorough because all they needed to do was look at him to see how he'd died. No instead they actually just took blood, urine and checked his stomach just to check for drink and drugs. The Medical Examiner did a good job of making him tidy before I got there, I'll always be grateful for that."

"I'm sure." Oprah agrees quietly, I guess she knows that right now that image of him lying on the cold table in the morgue is clear in my memory. "How long were you in the hospital for?"

"I came home the following day, I remember asking that the family not be home to greet me, I didn't want that. I just wanted to bring James home and try and settle back at home not only with a new baby but without Christian."

"Who was here when you got home?"

"The housekeeper, the nanny and the security. I didn't want anyone else. I think my mother in law was here or she came later on. I don't really remember." I explain trying to remember. I mean, I know for that first week I was kept drugged up so I didn't have to face the pain. However I'd been stern in saying that I was not to be drugged to come home, I wanted to remember bringing my son home and the mixture of emotions that came from brining my baby boy home for the first time and coming home for the first time without Christian, knowing he'd never walk in the doors again.

"What happened from there, after you came home before the funeral?" Oprah asks and I feel the shame wash over me as I remember what I was like, it wasn't that I wanted to be constantly drugged, it's just that I couldn't handle the pain.

"I barely remember." I admit, that's the truth because I was drugged I didn't know what was going on.

"Were you involved in planning his funeral?"

"Yes. As much as I could bare it. He was my husband, he'd lived with me for over two years and he'd changed so much in those months, I knew him best, I knew what he would have wanted and I did everything I could to make sure he got it." I reply sternly, I don't want anyone to think that I left it all to someone else to do.

"Ok, what were those few days before the funeral like?"

"Long, painful, I was trying to be a mom to a newborn son and our daughter and I was trying to grieve. I was an absolute mess most of the time and if it wasn't for my amazing family and the staff I don't think I would have been able to survive."

"No one can imagine what it must have been like for you but there was a lot of comments from the press and public that you hadn't made much of a speech or press conference."

"That was unreasonable for them to expect. I'd just lost my husband and given birth to my son. I was grieving and hormonal and I could barely function. All I really did up until the funeral was lie in bed, plan the funeral and take care of my children from the comfort of my room. I didn't know what to do with myself, I was completely lost." I explain angrily. I have never looked to see what was being said about Christian's death even though I know I could look online and see the articles and the public's comments. I just don't see the point putting myself through that.

"On the day of the funeral, the press kept a respectful distance, did that help any?"

"Yes." I smile weakly. "I was very grateful that they kept a distance, it was hard enough as it was."

"What was the service like?" Oprah enquires, it's never been released to the press what the private family and close friends only service was like.

"It was lovely, I think Christian would have liked what we did and how we did it. I did everything I could to make it all about him and his life, his brother spoke, his sister read a poem, we sang and we said our goodbyes. It was partly a celebration of his life more than grieving for his death." I explain with a soft smile, I can't ever forget bursting into laughter with Elliot because Grace chose the one Hymn that Christian had stated he didn't want and that he'd haunt the person who chose it. And the beautiful poem that Mia read, it was sad but happy and ever since then whenever my eyes have fallen on a rainbow I know Christian's looking down on me and taking care of me without being by my side with me.

"There is one other topic I want to ask you about before we move on, my guess is it would have happened a few days after the funeral and that is the reading of the will. The will has been sealed from the public, did you have anything to do with that?"

"I requested it, the contents of the will involve my children significantly and knowing Christian had death threats on a regular basis with people wanting his money, it was important to me that the public have no real knowledge of what the will included and how it involved my kids." I reply, I will not divulge the contents of the will to Oprah though I don't mind too much discussing it a little.

"Your son wasn't born when the will was written, the rumours are that your son inherited nothing."

"My son was included in the will the same as his sister, it was edited while I was pregnant and he was known as the unborn issue. A vile term to refer to his son but it was done from what I gathered before we knew the sex. James and India inherited equal amounts of everything neither one nor the other had more or less." I reply, though I will not say exactly what they inherited.

"It's public knowledge that Ros Bailey is now the acting CEO of Grey's Enterprises and has been since Christian's death, will that be until your children are of the age in which they can inherit it?"

"Ros Bailey will be acting CEO of GEH for the near future, I can't comment on when or how that will change." I reply, Ros now owns a considerable six percent of GEH but until India and James are 21 years old, I am the owner of the largest part of GEH though I have no interest in running it and have given the CEO position to Ros until James and India are of age to take over it, that is unless something changes the circumstances and I need to do something about it. I can't sell it, only my twenty seven percent can be sold on by me and I would never do that, I will be gifting it to my children if they show they can take the reins of the business and run it like Christian would want it run.

"Did you inherit the house?" Oprah asks.

"I always owned half this house." I state clearly, I may not have been involved in the purchase but Christian had made it very clear that both our names would be added to the deeds and that I would always own fifty percent of it. "But yes, I inherited the other fifty percent making me now the full owner of this property. It was in fact the only thing I wanted in the will, was the house we had made a home together and I already knew I'd get it, just like Christian would have inherited my fifty percent if I'd have died and he survived. It was our home, no one elses." I explain about the house simply because it's obvious as I am still here and no one else has moved in. The truth is anyone could have inherited it on the condition I was not to be bought out or evicted before both children turned twenty one and there are many other reasons why I could be still here but now it's out there, the whole truth that this house is really mine.

"Did anyone challenge the contents of the will?"

"No. It would have been impossible for anyone to do so, Christian's will was water tight." I reply honestly, I can't see a reason why anyone would want to challenge the will, everyone was included even some big surprises!

"I don't think anyone would expect less." Oprah chuckles. "Right we'll take a break here now, give us both time to think through the next part. We'll talk about the official aspects being over such as the funeral and the will reading and what you started to do after that, once it was really over. I know you were papped with your mother in law a week or so after the funeral and we can discuss you starting to live your life post Christian Grey."

"Ok, I'm going to check on the children, help yourself to another coffee. I'll only be a minute." I say quickly, needing to get out of the room.

Once on the stairs I take a deep breath, I can't believe that bit is over with. I know I kept a lot close to my chest but I said a lot more than I planned to also. I hurry up to the nursery and see India and James both playing happily with Carrie. They're truly all I have lived for this year, they are the reason I didn't give up and I have fought to get to this mind frame I'm in now. September was when everything changed, when India turned two years old and I realised she'd now at the age where she will start remembering things. I don't want her to remember that her mother gave up on life after her father died, I want her to know that I gave her a real life, family and friends, and things to do. I want to take my kids on holiday, I want them to be proud of me some day in the way I will be of them, I want them to see me as a sort of inspiration one day that if I can do what I did they can to. I can't do it as a stay at home mother though, not really.

I leave quietly, glad that I got to peak in on them without disturbing them. They're my light in the darkness that has surrounded me and I am so grateful that I have them, my precious babies.

I go back downstairs and straight into the living room, giving Oprah an apologetic look. I know there is so much left to get through and I hope I have the strength to get through it. I'm hoping the hardest part is over, speaking about when he died is always hard and I avoid it where necessary.

"Ok, you ready to carry on?" Oprah asks as soon as I've made myself a fresh coffee and sat down.

"I am." I nod even though a part of me is screaming that I'm not, I'm used to silencing that voice now.

"Ok, tell me when did things start feeling normal without Christian here with you?"

"They still don't." I admit. "I can't sleep in the bed I shared with him, I haven't since his pillow stopped smelling like him, I packed up and moved into a guestroom after the reading of the will. I haven't stepped foot into his study. I haven't moved a single thing of his because I can't, it doesn't feel like I should. I don't think things will ever feel normal without Christian."

"Ok, what I should have said was when did things start settling down for you and become more routine for you and your family?" Oprah asks, realising her slight mistake in the wording but correcting it quickly, I give her a weak smile as I deliberate how to answer the next question.

"A couple of weeks after the funeral I gathered all the staff in the living room for a meeting. Right here in this room and I told them that it was time for us to start moving on, that though we were still grieving it was time to try and make the house a home again with each other and for the children. It was hard for all of us having lost Christian but it was time to start moving on. I had to focus on my babies, I had baby classes and appointments with James and I needed to keep India in her routine, get her to playgroup and swimming classes and I had to keep things going normally for them, things needed to settle down and they did." I explain honestly, it became necessary to talk to everyone because I needed them to pick things up in their departments so that I could do the same with the children, I needed Gail back at work and Taylor and Luke back and Carrie just so I could focus.

"But it's only now you're starting to settle yourself." Oprah says, prodding me to continue the conversation.

"It's only now I can. My priority was making life settled for my children, making sure they had some sense of normality. Truth is they're not going to know a different life, they won't remember life with Christian. This past year I've done what I needed for my children, I've settled them into our life as a family without their daddy…" My voice breaks and I take a tissue from the coffee table where a box has been placed and I scrunch it tight in fear of tears. "I've only just started feeling like I can get used to life without Christian and that it isn't just surviving without him not but that I can live without him and enjoy life a little."

"A few months after Christian died, a former employee of yours I believe a security guard sold an exclusive to the tabloids…"

I honestly hadn't expect this topic to come up but I do know what it's about and how I can reply too.

"…He said that your relationship with Christian was unhealthy, that he was controlling and didn't allow you to do anything. You were more his prisoner than you were his wife and you had to have his permission to do anything with India. Is any of what was said true?"

"Around March I talked to my head of security. I had six members of security on payroll and only two ever being used. Taylor and I agreed it was time to let them go. So we offered a generous redundancy package to four of them along with an offer of employment elsewhere. Three gratefully accepted the package and the job offer where another refused the job offer. We then gave him a little more money in his redundancy package to last him till he found employment for himself. The thing is Oprah every member of my staff signs an Non-Disclosure agreement before they begin work and on being made redundant each one signed a contract with further clauses in. This employee broke the contract and NDA and then ended up having to give back his redundancy pay and cover the cost of my legal team for going to court. He ended up worse off because of that interview."

Oreon completely betrayed me, and seeing as he was hired by my husband to take care of our kids I have been completely outraged by it since. I can't get over how he went to the papers within a couple of weeks of him leaving us. How could any human being do such a thing? Well it was the $100,000 pay out that made it easy for him I suspect, not that he got to keep much of it after he had to pay my legal team for their time and effort in taking him to court when he was found liable.

"But was any of what he said true?" Oprah pushes, having realised that I didn't really answer her question.

"No."

"That's all you're going to say?" She says, an eyebrow raising questioning me further.

"What else can I say?"

"He made some serious allegations that have led to people saying you were brainwashed, emotionally and mentally abused by your husband."

"That's so stupid. The only time Christian was controlling was when it came to safety and that behaviour came from his fear of losing me. Now I understand it more than ever. It's the reason I wasn't driving the car when my husband was killed, had he not been so controlling about safety and had allowed me to drive my car while pregnant with my son it would have been James and I that perished in that accident and not Christian. I did have to ask him for permission when it came to doing things with India, it wasn't that he would say no ever but he would recommend security additions or other places or other ways that were safer and healthier for our daughter. There's nothing wrong with that. I was not abused or brainwashed by my husband."

I am angry by the time I have finished replying. I know I have admitted more than I should have but then I haven't either. I've told the truth and I am grateful that Christian was controlling, at times yes I couldn't handle it but now looking back, it's the reason I am sitting here today with my beautiful son upstairs.

"So you say that your relationship was perfectly healthy?"

"No relationship is perfectly healthy, we all have our flaws and that includes Christian and I but he wasn't abusive and he didn't brainwash me." I repeat the last line because I need it to be absolutely clear that I strongly disagree with that statement.

"You have been open in admitting you lost your virginity to Christian at age twenty two. You were married shortly afterwards and it's known you were very dependent on him at the beginning of your marriage…"

"I was dependent on Christian from the day we met. From the time our relationship started to the moment he took his last breath. I depended on him to love me, to trust me and to be there for me when things got tough which they did often. Christian Grey was my life jacket and since he's gone…" I have to wipe a tear now because it really hurts to remember just how much I did need him and still do. "…I often feel like I'm drowning because my life jacket has gone."

"Do you worry about the future now that he's gone?" Oprah asks, her voice a little quieter now as I try to compose myself again.

"I can't think about the future. Getting up every day and functioning till it's time to go to bed at night it hard enough. I am only now starting to think about tomorrow and the day after, maybe I'll see to the end of the week but the future? I don't know what it will hold and I most certainly can't and won't worry about it. What I do worry about is my kids, being a single mother, whether I'm doing a good job bringing them up and whether or not Christian would be happy with how I'm doing it."

Oprah just nods as I continue trying to compose myself, I can't believe I've got this upset but it's also understandable as I'm convinced Oprah was trying to get me to admit that my relationship with Christian was abusive or that I was brainwashed and the thought alone angers me.

"When do you find it hardest to go on? When do you find yourself missing him the most?" Oprah asks as I sniff back my tears.

"Special occasions are hardest, birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries. We always have a family get together of some kind and it's like he's not there, he's missing from the crowd that he should be in. Also when I'm alone, taking a break or just sitting in here in the evening once the kids are in bed and everyone else has gone home or to their rooms. I just feel him with me and in one sense it's very comforting but in another it's heart breaking."

"I believe it was Christian's birthday that you were first photographed alone outside, without any of your kids."

"Yes it was."

"What happened?"

"I had gone to his grave, taken some flowers, gone to speak to him a little and a photographer decided to use a telephoto lens and capture my picture at his graveside. Some people thought I'd staged the photo to keep myself in the public eye, others knew it was intrusive behaviour. I was so angry, I'd been intruded on in a private moment on private land and it's one of the reasons why I didn't want to leave the house."

I don't think I've ever felt so angry. When the photo was released I wanted to hunt down the photographer and shoot him for what he did. I was furious. It was so unfair!

"Didn't it happen again on your wedding anniversary?"

"Yes."

"But it led to the hospitalisation of that photographer."

"I took Luke Sawyer my security guard with me. He lost his wife just over a year ago and he saw the photographer and confronted him. It was the photographer who got violent and Luke simply defended himself."

"You paid him off…" Oprah states eyeing me suspiciously as if she expects me to lie.

"It was the easiest thing to do under the circumstances. I paid him not to press charges against Luke and he took it on the condition we wouldn't press charges against him. It was a win-win situation and no photos were printed."

"Ok." Oprah nods realising there's nothing more to be said on that subject. "September was the next time you were in the public eye after you tweeted that it was time to pick yourself up and dust your knees off. What was all that about?"

"It was the day after India's second birthday. We'd had a small party for her here in the house and I'd been talking with a lot of the moms of India's friends. They were all doing things, going back to work or already back in work, meeting with friends for coffee, going out with friends and I realised I had nothing to talk about other than my children. I had once been this woman with multiple identities. Many parts of one person. I was a wife, a daughter, a mother, a business woman, a singer, a song writer and an author and I'd lost almost all of it when Christian died. I had one part of me left and that was mother. I realised I was completely losing my identity. One day my babies wouldn't be babies anymore, they wouldn't need me at home, they wouldn't need me to be there for them every hour and then what would I have? Nothing. My husband is gone, my mother is gone, my businesses are being ran by someone else, I haven't written a single story since Christian died. That was the first time I put pen to paper and wrote music. I started finding myself again and it was a case of picking myself up and brushing the dirt off my knees. I was beginning to find myself again and I am now on that journey of finding my personality and those pieces of my identity again."

"How have you handled the pain of losing Christian and began on this journey of finding yourself again?"

"Music." I smile at the mere thought. "It has been my escape and my saviour."

"And that's what you're going back to?"

"It's all I want to do. Christian introduced me to music, he took me on this journey of finding myself as an artist, a singer and song writer and it's the only thing I want to do, he had faith in me and it's time I started having faith in myself."

Oprah smiles and I can't help but smile back. Every word I'm telling her is the absolute truth. I don't know what the future holds but I know what I want it to hold, I know what I want to do and where I want to go and this is it, this is the beginning of re-discovering myself.

"Ok, how about we have a break for lunch and then we'll bring the kids down and record a small segment with them and then I think we're done." Oprah says. I smile, thankful that it's almost over.

Lunch with Oprah is a simple but lovely occasion. Carrie brings the kids down and we use the small table in the kitchen rather than the formal dining room. Oprah talks to me about her other interviews, some she's done other's she has coming and I listen, glad that the attention isn't on me right now. She happily helps feed India while I feed James and then it's time for us all to make our way into the living room for the final segment.

We sit the kids at the foot of the couch with their toys. I hope we'll be able to get through this because the kids normally go down for their nap around now.

"Ok, so how has this year been for you as a mother to your children?" Oprah asks as I try to keep on eye on my kids as well as an eye on Oprah.

"It's been a whirlwind. In one sense it's gone really fast, I can't believe James is a year old and India's two yet without Christian it's been so slow."

"Do the kids have any idea about Christian?"

"They have no concept of death or forever at this age so no, they will though. I have videos and pictures of him and they will know they were truly wanted and loved by their father, it's just a case that God needed him more than we did." I explain as James pulls himself to standing beside the couch.

"Mama." He says, his little hands reaching for me. I smile brightly, this is what I live for. I scoop him up and he nuzzles into me, clearly not happy that I haven't taken him to lie down for his nap.

"He's a spitting image of his father." Oprah says looking at the large picture of Christian and I on the fire place.

"Yes he is." I smile sadly, it's the one thing that causes me so much pain and heals my sorrows all at once, looking into my baby boy's grey eyes and seeing his father looking back at me.

"Are they well behaved children?"

"I think so. I don't spoil them even though it would be easy to do so. I want to keep them grounded, let them know that the luxuries they have aren't things everyone has. But we'll see what the future holds."

"What do you think or hope the future holds for you and your children?"

"As long as we have each other I don't care what it holds. I want to give them the best life I can, that they will be happy and strong individuals. I'm already seeing their personalities develop and I am so excited to watch them grow up into beautiful children and teenagers and then into adulthood. I hope and pray I'll get to see them married and have children of their own and make lives for themselves, but we'll see. I just want to do right by them."

Oprah nods and I know this is the end now, we've talked about everything.

"Thank you Ana, for inviting me to your beautiful home once again and for opening up to me. I know that it's been a tough year for you but I hope and pray that you'll have a better time from now on. I am excited to see what the future does hold for you and your beautiful children. I can't wait to hear more of your music and watch your career take off once again. Thank you."

"Thank you." I reply and then the cameras go off, we're done.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: ** I don't own the songs in this chapter they are sang by Leona Lewis and Alesha Dixon and are used for entertainment only!

**Fifty Shades Starting Over**

**It's been a year since Christian Grey was killed and Ana knows it's time for her to start living again. The past year has been undeniable hell but 365 days later and she knows that surviving alone is no longer an option. **

**Monday January 5th 2015**

"Good morning my beautiful boy." I smile brightly as I lean over the crib to pick up James, he's been crying for a couple of minutes having woken up and I hate seeing him cry. It's six thirty am and today I am going into Grey Records to work with Tito and Lila for the first time since before Christian died. I am so excited to find out which of my many songs they've made music too and which they suggest we record and release first.

It's going to be a tough morning trying to get the kids up and have them fed and changed before I leave the house. Then of course leaving is also going to be tough but I have to be back for one thirty to collect India for her swimming lesson which is always fun.

I take James on my hip to collect India from her room, just to find Carrie already lifting her. I try not to frown, for the past year I have been the main caregiver for my children. Carrie's just been the help, taking care of one when I had an appointment with another. I don't want things to change too much with me going back to work. I want to still be the one to get my kids ready in the morning.

"I've got it thank you Carrie." I try to dismiss her while taking India's hand to go down stairs.

"Ana you need to get ready for work." She says gently, I know that she's only trying to support me but I don't want any interference, I want things to be as normal as possible and getting my children up, fed and changed has always been done solely by me.

"I have plenty of time." I reply, warning her in a sense not to continue without being rude. "I don't need to be in until nine and we've got the morning routine down pat anyhow."

"Ok, well I'll go and get changed then." She says flustered, I'll have to apologise later, I don't mean to refuse her help in a rude manner but I don't want or need it, I want to continue the mornings the same way as always with my kids.

I make it downstairs with James on my hip and India holding my hand. It's always a treacherous few minutes on the stairs and I know if Christian was alive it would not be done this way. India is now a confident walker but not so much on the stairs making it necessary for her to hold my hand while I balance James on my hip. It takes around three minutes for us to go down the stairs together.

Gail doesn't start work until eight am now, because she has to get Zachary up and ready for school and I didn't want Taylor to have to do it and Gail miss out on that every morning. So it's been my job to get the kids settled and feed them and myself. I put James in his high chair, he's getting so big now and it won't be long till he'll be like India, strapped into a chair that is attached to one of the dining room chairs so that he's level with the table. India climbs into her own chair like a good girl, knowing that otherwise she'll be standing beside me while I make sure James is strapped in securely.

Once James is in place I turn to India and strap her in to the booster seat. Whoever invented these chairs for the dining table needs a medal because it's the best contraption I have ever come across. It means India gets to sit at the table properly while still being securely strapped into a chair.

I fetch India's pink floral place mat that's wide to capture all her mess, she takes it and helps put it down in front of her knowing exactly what is going on. I kiss her head and go over to the TV putting it on the children's channel to keep the children occupied while I make their breakfast.

As I cook the porridge I can't help but sigh. I know Christian would never have allowed a TV in this room, meal times were for nothing but eating but it's the only way I can get food ready. I mean, the kids wake and they want their breakfast that I can't produce out of thin air. Putting the TV on Barney means they're kept occupied giving me time to cook.

India gets a bowl of porridge and jelly covered toast with no crusts. I put it down in front of her with a spoon allowing her to eat and make a mess. The porridge alone wouldn't be enough because she gets more of it all over herself and the table that in her mouth but with the toast I know she's eating a full breakfast that will see her through until she has her snack. James has his porridge which I feed him while I eat my own toast. It's a very strict routine in one sense, it's the same thing every morning but it works for us. The kids continue to watch Barney and friends while they have their breakfast which means there are no arguments or frustration. India can competently feed herself while keeping her eyes on the TV and two minutes of James being too distracted by the TV allows me to take a couple of bites of my toast.

Once James has finished his porridge I give him his bottle, it will fill him up when he makes a huge mess with his porridge and it allows me to finish my breakfast and make sure that India and I have a glass of orange juice too. Then it's time to clean up while the kids finish their drinks. I get the dishwasher loaded, India's place setting wiped, James' table top wiped and then it's time to put the TV off and take them upstairs to get changed for the day. This is where it gets hardest because they're of course in separate rooms.

I always do James first because he's the fussier one. He hates being dirty whether that be his face or his nappy. India will happily sit on James' bedroom floor with a book and a couple of toys while I get his nappy changed and his body washed before dressing him for the day. Today I choose a cute pair of jeans with a dinosaur on them and a plain blue t-shirt with a grey cardigan. I put a cute pair of converse on his feet even though he isn't confident standing yet, I just think he looks adorable.

Then I take the kids through to India's room. James sits on the floor with some toys and I get India ready for the day. India's now at that age where she copies and wants to do things for herself so while I change her she brushes her own hair… or tries too. I can't believe how beautifully her hair has grown. I had it cut back in March and since then the curls that have come from the top of her head are stunning. I hope she never loses the tight ringlets that she has now. I dress India in a denim skirt with blue tights and a blue tank top and cardigan. I put her hair in two tiny bunches and she smiles happily at me. We're currently trying to potty train her so she has pull ups instead of diapers and I know Carrie will continue that with her during the day while I'm away. Once the kids are settled I take them through to the nursery where I find Carrie. She must have eaten while I dressed the kids and I hand them over to her.

"Carrie I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier. I just don't want things to change too much just because I'm going back to work."

"It's alright Ana, I just thought you might have wanted the help. Now I know you didn't and that's ok. I should have asked and not assumed." She says smiling gently, I knew she wouldn't be offended by my reaction but I was wrong and therefore needed to apologise. "Go on, go and get yourself ready."

"Ok, I'll come and see them before I leave." I tell her before I kiss each of my babies and head to my own room.

After the reading of the will, I moved bedrooms. I couldn't bare being in the same room as all of Christian's things, consumed by him and his smell. It made waking every day for him not to be there a nightmare. I took one of the guestrooms with a built in wardrobe and had Gail move all my things over. It does mean though that I am a little further away from the kids than I would like to be but I simply couldn't bare going into that room again. I don't even look at the door anymore, it's like it's not there.

I have a quick shower in my en-suite and then make my way into the closet. It's a lot smaller than my old closet and there's no room to change and get ready inside it but I choose my clothes for the day and take them into my bedroom. I make the bed, not wanting to leave it for Gail to do and then I lay my clothes on it before sitting in front of my vanity, the one that was taken from the old closet and bought in here for me. I know it means that the room that I shared with my husband isn't the same as it used to be but it makes no difference, I can't go in there.

I brush and use a hot iron to put some loose waves in my short hair. I then spray it and use my fingers to add a little volume. I know there is a big chance of me being spotted by a photographer today and I want to look good if they capture an image of me. It's important now that the public see me getting on with my life and no longer looking like death warmed over. I put on a minimum amount of makeup. As Grace often points out to me I look sickly pale and have lost all the colour in my cheeks and I know I never got it back after Christian died. So foundation and blush are a necessity, thankfully having worked with many makeup artists I have picked up some great tips along the way and I know how to moisturise my face first then put on some concealer before putting on the mask as I like to refer to foundation. I put just a light bronze on my eyelids and a thin black line, making sure it's even on both sides. Then of course Mascara a must. I admire my handy work before I put on an almost matching colour lipstick, just to make the colour on them a little deeper.

Happy with my facial appearance I turn back to my clothes. I think I've made a good choice for today. Once I got all my underwear on, a simple black bra and panties, I pull on the wet look leather leggings, a pair I spotted when out with India one day that I bought and never wore. They actually look really good on me and they fit nicely. I then pull on a black and white block print baggy t-shirt that falls down to my hips and to finish I wear a perforated white crop jacket with long sleeves that Mia bought me on my birthday. I go back into my closet and at first I grab a simple pair of black patent leather Jimmy Choos before I spot my blue patent Christian Louboutin's. I can make a statement with what's on my feet right? There's no point being all black and white when I can add a splash of colour to my feet. I quickly put back the black shoes and pick up the blue pointed toe ones and I slip those off.

I turn to the full length mirror on the inside of the door and I can't help but smile. I look like I feel… ready to make a comeback. I glance at my bedside cabinet to the picture of Christian and I that sits there and I send him a silent message, hoping that he is happy with what I'm doing, that he's proud of me that I am finally taking these first steps to getting my life back.

I know in one sense I've left it too long, I know that the amount of time that has gone by makes me a little more nervous than I should be. But I am ready now, nerves aside I'm excited to go into Grey Records today and start laying down some tracks.

Happy with how I look I grab a blue leather bag and make my way to the study to get everything I need. The nerves and excitement are building as I start rooting through my stuff getting everything ready. My wallet, a notebook and pen, my ipad, all go into my bag, I don't have anyone to do any running around for me anymore, I don't have a PA, I don't have a manager, I know chances are those things are going to have to change but not right now they don't, I am happy doing everything for myself for now, it's not like I have a hectic schedule right now anyway, it's just appointments with the kids around work.

Today is going to be pretty hectic, I'm going into Grey records till one thirty, then I need to collect India and take her swimming before coming home, before I have to take James for his one year check up with the paediatrician and health visitor then it's home and dinner and get on with the evening routine. It's going to be a real test whether or not I can do this work and mommy thing.

I drop my purse off by the front door and grab my keys before going upstairs. I have to reconfirm everything with Carrie and kiss my kids goodbye. They could be my downfall, if they start crying then I know I'll bottle it. That's why I hope to make this quick and painless for all of us.

"Oh Ana you look beautiful." Carrie beams when I enter the nursery. She's sitting with the kids at the small plastic table where they're colouring in.

"Thanks Carrie. Right I'm off, I'll be back for one thirty to collect India. Gail will have my swim bag ready by the front door when I arrive could you make sure India's is done for me?"

"Of course, it's no problem." She reassures.

"Ok, we should be back then for around three will you make sure James is ready I need to be at the surgery for three thirty."

"I know, he'll be ready I promise." She smiles, I know that we've discussed this day all weekend but by checking things with Carrie I'm reassuring myself too.

"Ok. Right let me kiss my babies." I hurry over to the table and kiss both my kids. India's a little unsure as she knows I'm leaving but I reassure her I won't be long and then we're going swimming and she seems happier letting me go and going back to her colouring. James isn't at all bothered and that actually hurts more than I expected, I guess maybe a part of me wanted one of them to make a fuss so I could change my mind and blame it on the fact I couldn't leave my teary kids.

Carrie ushers me out, reassuring me that everything will be fine and it's only half a day. When I get downstairs I hear Gail and Taylor in the kitchen and I go and say goodbye to them.

"Good morning Gail, Jason." I smile and receive their good mornings in return.

"Have you re-thought this no security idea Ana?" Taylor asks. I frown, he knows my decision and I wish he'd stop trying to change my mind.

"Jason it's just to Grey records and back, nothing's going to happen. I much rather have you and Luke here with the kids and then when I collect India for the swimming lesson you'll be able to follow me in the car behind. Please don't push me to change my mind because I'll just dig my heels in further." I have been adamant that I don't need security to go to Grey records and back, it's simply not necessary.

"Ok, just if you change your mind you call me ok?" Taylor states firmly and acting out of character he gives me a tight hug, giving me further reassurance.

"You have a good day Ana, would you like lunch ready when you get back?"

"I'll grab something on the way home, can you make sure that India has her lunch around twelve so that it's all settled in her stomach before we go swimming?"

"Of course, I'll just clarify all that with Carrie, now go on, it's getting late and you don't want to be late on your first day back." Gail says as she too gives me a hug.

"Ok I'm going, I'm going." I chuckle. Gail thankfully walks me to the door and helps me grab my coat and purse before she's ushering me out.

"See you later. Have a good day." She says.

"Thanks Gail, go on inside it's cold." I tell her before hurrying for the car.

I now own a Lexus IS350 F Sport in Matador Red Mica with parchment colour leather interiors. I got rid of all the cars, sold them to a dealer and that included Christian's cars because they were taking up unnecessary space. In all honesty the cars were the easiest things to part with considering it was one of the cars that Christian . We now own just the one Audi SVU and my car, the Lexus. The car is actually amazing, the safety features alone made it easy for me to choose it, the damn thing beeps every time I go slightly out of lane.

The car seat is a four seater and in the back are my babies car seats. They're both now sitting in forward facing car seats. India in a more mature support seat and James in a specialist designed convertible car seat. I bought the car with everything from the surround sound to the all-weather mats. I just told them to add everything, make the car perfect and for fifty three and a half thousand dollars it was absolutely worth it, I don't think I could have had a better car for any more!

Of course Taylor was involved in helping me purchase the right car. I didn't want an Audi but I was very specific that the car had to be of Christian Grey safety standards, this Lexus is and more. It has a hard top so it suits the Seattle winter while still allowing me to have a convertible. Of course, the roof is closed now as I back out of the garage.

Once out of the bottom gate which is now controlled by a key lock instead of manually by a security guard, I head towards Grey Records with a smile. I am actually now feeling nothing but excited. I'm not just out of the house, I'm on my way to work, on my own like an ordinary working mom. It's such a new feeling for me but I have this sense of freedom that I haven't had since before Christian and I were even together.

I know in my heart he would not be happy, I'm out without security. The fact that I'm going back to work isn't something he'd be mad about, I think he'd actually be proud of me because he knew I never wanted to be a stay at home mom.

The drive is nice, to be alone in the car even in the morning rush hour in Seattle is a wonderful experience and I realise I've been more excited for today that I've given myself credit for. It does of course help that I have an amazing car that wonderful to drive.

It should be a twenty minute drive in light traffic but with the morning rush hour it could take anywhere for thirty to fifty minutes. As I arrive on Mercer Street barely ten minutes into the drive I see a small parking lot and quickly pull in. I know there's a coffee house just around the corner and simply because I can I want a coffee to start my day.

Café Zingaro is a place I've never visited before and for not even nine in the morning it's busy. It's so warm inside and I crave the coffee even more as I make my way to the counter. I'm surprised when the barista is taken aback by me, it's clear that she's recognised me and I try to stay calm and give her a smile. Thankfully she doesn't hesitate in filling me order of a chocolate chip muffin and large skinny latte before I can hurry out.

Before, people recognising me didn't come as a surprise and I just got on with it but I now know it's something I'm going to have to get used to again. I slip my coffee into the cup holder and my muffin into the other, I can pick at it whenever I'm stuck in traffic.

I arrive at Grey Records parking lot at five to nine and I know I don't have time to psyche myself out which isn't a bad thing. I grab my purse from the passenger seat and what's left of my coffee from the cup holder and quickly get out of the car. I am really excited to get in there now.

The building looks as inviting as it always did and for the first time I take a moment to really look at it. The glass walls don't allow you to see in and the large blue lettering 'Grey Records' reminds me that this building is now mine. Christian gifted me Grey Records in his will, it was the one thing that became wholly mine on his death, unlike GEH where I only own a percentage of it.

When I walk in I see the building has had a little makeover, I signed off on it of course, giving Tito and Lila the absolute freedom to do what they wanted with it. Of course I say little makeover it's now actually almost unrecognisable. However, I am almost doubled over laughing at the huge picture of my eyes forehead and the top of my nose that glares at me from behind the reception desk. I guess it isn't obvious to the average person but I've looked at those eyes every day since I was old enough to look in a mirror. I'd recognise them anywhere even with the photo editing and makeup I'm wearing. There are other pictures of me here too of course, including with my awards and my album and singles covers. I smile sadly at the photograph of Christian and I performing on American Idol, it's nice of course but still sad, I'll never get to experience that with him again.

One of my songs plays quietly as background music, I don't know if it was chosen on purpose to welcome me back or not but I know Tito and Lila along with the other employees at Grey Records have signed a couple more artists over this past year.

"Ana!" Lila walks through the door and runs crashing into me to give me a hug. I hold her just as tight back, feeling her enthusiasm. "Oh it's so good to see you again and you look fabulous!"

"Thank you, it's great to be back."

"What do you think of the place, I know you barely looked last time you were here." She says referring to last week where I simply hurried in, dropped off the demo CDs and lyrics before rushing out again.

"It looks amazing, you worked well with Gia."

"She didn't want us doing it like this, so we kind of fired her and found someone else." Lila admits and I can't help but chuckle, I really don't care. The place looks sleek, modern and like a recording studio entrance should look. "Now come on, I've been waiting for you with Tito we have loads to get through with only half a day to work with you."

She grabs my hand and drags me through the private red door at the side, it separates the reception from the two small downstairs recording studios and the elevator leading to the bigger upstairs studios and the meeting room.

Tito stands as soon as we enter the room and engulfs me in another hug. He almost sets me off as he clings tightly to me. Dang I can't understand what took me so long to get back. They're not just the record producers they're my friends.

"It's so good to see you skinny white girl." He teases and I punch his arm teasing him back.

"Ok, so we don't have long Ana, we've laid down the beats to two of your songs and now you just have to choose which one to release first, you ready?"

"Ok let's do this." I say in reply to Lila, I know they're as excited as I am to get things moving again.

"Take a seat and listen, we've really messed up some of the original tune you've given the songs, bettered them, made them more modern and stuff. Here's the one you called Composure and we've renamed it Breathe Slow."

Tito sits at the desk and knocks a button for the song I wrote and named Composure. I can see how the name Breathe Slow works already because it's in the chorus of the song, I just preferred Composure as a title, clearly Breathe Slow sounds better from Lila and Tito's point of view.

It starts with a synthesizer and a low drum beat, it sounds pretty almost hypnotising. I look to Lila who has the lyrics in her hand where she will sing the lyrics I wrote to the music Tito and she created.

The intro drags for about fifteen or so seconds before Lila starts singing. The music doesn't change so it's clearly the voice alone that gives the song it's harmony where the music is a simple underlay. I sing along with her in my head, the words I wrote. It's not a love song, it's not about losing someone you love or anything like that. It is about love but more about the feelings someone feels, there's no real structure or story to the song. It's all about being crazy in love but maybe not so much in a good way. I don't really know I just wrote it and thought it was good, clearly Lila and Tito agree because this is one of the songs they've chosen as a maybe for the first release.

"Well?"

"I love it, the music gives it the feeling I was trying to project through the lyrics better than the lyrics alone." I say as Lila bows playfully.

"Good, I'm glad we were able to do what you wanted with it, now the other song is that one called Happy." He says flicking a couple of switches before the music surrounds us once more.

I love this song, it's not about being happy so much as wanting to be happy. It's the realisation that you can't have everything too. Lila sings it once again while the music surrounds me. I love what they've done with it. It's such a different song to Composure… Breathe Slow even, I'll have to remember the new name.

Lila sings it softly unlike the power that I designed around the song. However as I focus more on the music I can tell that the song is written for the power I designed for it, Lila's holding back. When she finishes she pretend bows once more but I can see she's a little uncomfortable, maybe it's because there's a little more emotion in this song that's a little more obvious surrounding Christian's passing.

"Ok, so what now?"

"Which one do you want to release first as your comeback single?" Tito asks. I know which one I want to do but the one I want to do may not be the best one to do.

"Instead of me choosing, you decide which would be better, easier to sell and market." I reply already guessing it won't be the one I want.

"Ok, Breathe Slow it is." Lila states and Tito nods in agreement.

"So the tune has not changed that much from what you did with it, so if you wanna spend the next half hour going through the first verse and chorus with Lila and we'll lay it straight down." Tito says spinning to the sound table. I just nod feeling suddenly out of my depths.

"Ok, lets do this." I say trying to sound confident.

The music engulfs me, it's almost supernatural to the ears. I confidently begin singing, having listen carefully enough to Lila that I know the tune to sing along to it. Lila nods me along, realising I don't need her to sing it with me and I get to the end of the first chorus easily.

"Right you know the oh-oh-oh in the chorus?" Lila states as Tito fades the song out.

"The comp-oh-oh-oh-sure you mean?" I ask finding the words on the lyrics.

"Yeah, well the baking vocals will sing a separate oh in between the first and second so if you lead into that again, just sing what you're singing and I'll add the baking on so you can hear it ok?" She says and I nod. I hate singing without the music but in front of just Lila and Tito it should be ok.

"Can't forget to breathe slow count from one to ten with my eyes close so ladies take it in and get compo-oh-oh sure…"

Lila's singing throws me off and we have to go again, she sings in all the baking vocals in the chorus nice and low like they would be on the record but it's really hard to have her doing these 'oh' sounds at a different timing to me, problem is I need to know it for whenever I sing this song live as they'll be there. By the fifth time I've got it down pat and we then sing the entire first verse and chorus through into the second verse and chorus.

I'm happy we're getting this done quick. Tito is going to release the chorus to the press it's partly a publicity stunt of course but it's also to get some small music reviews on it. Then it will go live chorus only on my website for the fans to get down and listen to, their reviews will then tell us whether or not we're going the right way with the song or if we should pull it.

Once in the booth to record I feel very much at home. Lila is with me to lay down the backing vocals for now, we will have a couple of professional baking singers in to do them on the record version but this is for the leaked version and she alone is enough.

It takes us through until lunch time to get the first verse and chorus down right but when I listen back to it I am really happy. I couldn't have imagined it sounding this way when I was writing it, the music changes how I sing it, now rather than with all the power I can manage I sing it with a little huskiness in my voice that makes the words more powerful than if I sang with power.

"Right when you come in tomorrow, we'll get the second verse and chorus down. I'll have the backing singers in then tomorrow afternoon to put the vocals on the recorded parts and then Wednesday we'll work on the bridge and the ending where we'll have you doing some fancy overlays. Sound good?" Tito explains as I put my coat back on and gather my purse.

"Sounds perfect, thanks guys you two are seriously awesome."

"We're only awesome because we work with and for someone awesome." Lila smiles before giving me a tight hug. "And you should bring those gorgeous kids of yours to see us soon too."

"When we finish laying the track you'll have to come over for a celebratory dinner, they'd love to see you guys but I don't want to bring them here right now." I state, knowing that if I was to take the kids anywhere I would need Luke and or Taylor with me and I don't want them with me here, this is my private space, the place I can be alone.

"Sounds wonderful babe we're holding you to that." Tito says taking his turn to give me a hug. "And just so you know, the songs you've written are awesome, the mixture is really cool and I think we're only going to use them for your album."

"Really?" I am definitely surprised to hear this.

"Yeah, couple in there unusable, I've spent a lot of time on them and they just don't flow right for me. But we were thinking of re-recording some of your old stuff in new styles to bulk it all up. Should be good to go in the next three to four months if you can get yourself in here for some full days."

"We'll see. I have so much going on with the kids right now I don't know if it's possible." I say mainly because I'm afraid to do a full day not that I can't. In saying that this morning has flown by and I can't believe it's lunch time already and I need to eat before picking India up to take her swimming. I expected to really miss the kids and struggle to get through the morning but I'm relieved now knowing not only I did it but I managed to do the entire time I wanted to without really feeling the need to rush home at all, maybe next week I could do a couple of full days where I don't have anything on with the kids.

"Ok, see you tomorrow." Tito says.

"Yeah bye." Lila smiles already picking up some papers to carry on with work.

"Bye, see you tomorrow." I smile happily as I head for the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN:** Some days will be multiple chapters, others that aren't as significant won't be!

**Fifty Shades Starting Over**

**It's been a year since Christian Grey was killed and Ana knows it's time for her to start living again. The past year has been undeniable hell but 365 days later and she knows that surviving alone is no longer an option. **

**Monday January 5th 2015**

I stop off at Café Artemis on the way home for lunch. Knowing I have an hour to kill I decide to sit in there rather than go somewhere for a takeout sandwich. It's nice to have some alone time. I'll be honest, food is the one area I'm strict about now especially when it comes to the kids, they have strict meal times. I guess it's the one thing that really stopped me from becoming sick after Christian died. Of course, my meal times aren't as strict, sometimes I prefer not to have dinner till the kids are in bed because I don't want to eat with them, preferring to feed them and get the bedtime routine down before eating but I do eat three meals a day without fail.

As I sit back after ordering I reflect on the morning. I am chuffed to pieces that I managed to get the children up, fed and dressed before taking them to Carrie and getting myself ready, I managed to get to work on time and enjoy the morning without stressing about what's going on at home. I just realise that I haven't even called to check on them. I search my bag for my cell and take it out only to put it down again. I'm strong enough not to call, I know they're ok, I know Carrie would have called if they weren't.

Until my food sits in front of me I pick up my phone and put it down again more times than I can count. Now I'm desperate to know if the kids are alright, if they miss me or not but I know in less than an hour I'll be home collecting India and I'll get to see my baby boy too. I'll see for myself that they're ok.

I eat my salad and check my emails on my iPad. I have given Wendy more control than ever at AG and now all I really get are status reports. We have been discussing buying another record company over in New York just because Grey Records is now under AG but I've not given the go ahead at all until I get a full business plan including the employees then what's the point, I'm not taking stupid risks with it now.

Once I've eaten I settle the bill and leave a generous tip before making my way to the car. I really can't wait to get home now and see my babies, not calling to check on the kids has been the hardest thing ever but I'm so glad that I've done it now. I'll be home in less than ten minutes and then it will be ok, I can see them, know they're ok and then get on with the day.

Though it takes only ten minutes the drive feels so much longer. I enter the house as quick as possible now desperate to hug and kiss India and James.

"I'm home!" I call as soon as I'm through the door and as calmly as I can manage I hang my keys up, drop my purse and head through to the kitchen where I can hear the laughter of my babies.

"Hello Ana, coffee?" Gail asks, I nod and smile hurrying to the table to kiss James who has his face covered in his lunch and then India who's happily colouring away.

"Did she eat? What time?" I ask Carrie, needing to know if she ate early enough to go swimming.

"She was finished by half twelve, she's been sitting there waiting for you since, she knows where she's going today." Carrie reassures while still feeding James.

"Did you have a good time in work?" Gail asks as I step to the breakfast bar to have my coffee.

"It was good, flew by but when I was having lunch I just wanted to call and check on the kids. I'm glad now I didn't though." I admit blushing.

"They've been fine as you can see, nothing to worry about." Gail chuckles as she too sits down to have a coffee with me. There's nothing she can do now until Carrie has finished feeding James. "So what are the plans for this afternoon?"

"India's got a forty five minute swimming lesson, I'll have a coffee with the others as always but I'll be home in time to collect James and get him to the paediatricians." I explain sipping at my perfectly made coffee. I stopped drinking tea after I lost Christian, I drank coffee for the energy alone but now I'm hooked and I feel this need to drink coffee to function.

"Did Sandra Lee get hold of you?"

"No, has she tried calling?"

"She called the house looking for you." Gail replies smiling. I guess we both know what that phone call was for.

"I'll ring her on the hands free on the way to the swimming pool, invite her over this evening."

"What time do you want dinner for?"

"It's Zach's first day back at school, go home to meet him. Carrie and I will sort the kids and I can make something for Carrie and I afterwards." I reassure her, she doesn't need to work tonight.

"Are you sure Ana?" She asks and I just smile, I'm sure. "Thank you." She says gratefully, I know she wants to be there for Zach but she doesn't want to forget who pays her wages and why.

"Right we should make a move." I say realising that the time is getting tight and if traffic messes us up we'll be late.

"Yours and India's swim bag is by the door." She states as I pick up my little girl.

"Thank you. We'll see you in a couple of hours." I smile heading for the door.

India slides down my body as I grab the keys and our bags and then she takes my hand excitedly. It's no surprise that Taylor is waiting by the car when I exit the house, that's him telling me there is no room for argument with security when it comes to taking the kids out but that's ok. I never have argued and I never will. I unlock the door and he opens it and pulls back the passenger seat for me to put India inside. He knows that I'd never allow him to drive me, I haven't been driven anywhere since Christian's death, I won't stand for it even though I know Christian would hate it. Hey I have an amazingly safe car, better than any of the cars I previously owned.

I strap India into her chair and she babbles excitedly. I love how her speech is coming along, we had her speech checked not too long ago and she's well above average in her words. I am so pleased about that as I spend hours talking with her and encouraging her and reading with her.

"Swimming. India going swimming." I encourage.

"Mimmin!" She yells.

"We're going bye bye in the car to go swimming."

"Bye-bye." She laughs. "Car. Mimmin."

"All strapped in, let's go." I say making sure her hands aren't in the way before I let Taylor push the chair back and climb in.

I hurry around the driver's side and jump in beside Taylor, he looks as uncomfortable as always in the passenger seat but not as odd as if he still wore his suit and tie. I relaxed the uniform policy telling him and Luke that they should wear more comfortable clothing to blend more, I don't want everyone to know that I take security with me when I have the kids, I prefer them to blend.

I drive to Ballard Pool where India has her swimming lessons with fifteen other little boys and girls the same age as her. The pool isn't the nicest I've ever been to but it's a community pool that attracts various parents to have safe swimming lessons for their kids. It's a single pool inside with a dip at the deeper end that we don't use. There's a lovely café there too that are very welcoming to us parents when we have our coffee afterwards. Of course, today I won't be able to stay as long as I normally do but it will be nice to catch up with the parents that I haven't seen since before Christmas.

I drive into the parking lot and quickly find a spot to leave the car. We are now running a little bit behind unless India completely co-operates with me when I try changing her and myself into our swimming clothes. At the reception I'm greeted with a friendly smile, all the staff have got to know us as we've been coming here over the past year, it's family friendly pool and all the staff behave like it too. It's now time to leave Taylor, there is one place in this entire building he's not allowed in and it will be great to get in there. Don't get me wrong I love having Taylor with me instead of Luke sometimes but since having more freedom I still yearn for even more.

"Hey Ana!" Mandy calls as I head into the women's changing room, she's just with her daughter putting clothing into a locker.

"Hey Mandy, good Christmas?" I ask scooping India into my arms, I know she'll want to run around here and she just can't, I need to get her changed and myself changed so we can get in the pool.

"It was alright, you?"

"Yeah, alright." I agree, we'll talk more later.

"Well I'll see you in the pool." She smiles, scooping little Lydia into her arms.

I just nod and find a mother and baby changing room, it's a little larger than the cubicles that aren't designed for juggling mothers. India knows what to do here, it's a routine for her. As I start pulling the swimming costumes out of the bag, she tries her very best to unzip her jacket. It's too cute, especially as her little pink tongue pokes out between her lips as she concentrates.

"Do you want Mommy to help you Indie?" I ask even though I'm enjoying watching her try it herself.

"Can't!" She states still tugging at the zip that doesn't want to budge.

I kneel down in front of her and quickly get her stripped, there's no point wasting any more time in allowing her to try and do it herself as I would at home, we haven't got the luxury of time here. I change her from her pull up into her little swimmers diaper and then I pull on her pink all in one bathing costume. I then guide her to sit on the bench while I change from my clothing into my simple blue all in one that I purchased for this very occasion, no need to flaunt anything in front of other children!

"All ready?" I ask India as I scoop all out stuff back into the bag.

"Let's go!" She calls excitedly. She loves swimming and I love being able to bring her too. I wouldn't trade that for the world.

She comes with me to the lockers and waits impatiently as I get everything inside. I know she's dying to get into the water but she has to wait, I don't care how confident she is in the water she isn't allowed anywhere near it without me.

We quickly go into the shower area and have a quick rinse before going to the pool edge. I have to grab India by the wrist to stop her running and jumping in. She has never had a fear of the water. I wish I'd have got her swimming sooner in all honesty as there are kids in this group who have a better grasp of coming up for air which India doesn't yet. However, what she does have is the ability to swim to the edge of the pool if she fell in, she can swim without aid for at least seven seconds which could be the difference between life and death. It's amazing that she doesn't have to have a buoyance aid of any kind, she doesn't need arm bands, or a float or a special jacket like some of the parents who have just started.

"Hey Ana, India." Our trainer Tia smiles as we arrive at the pool side, most of the parents are already in the water already.

"Hello Tia!" India calls. "Mimmin!"

"Yeah India, it's time for swimming, why don't you get in the water then?" She smiles and before I can blink India rushes to the pool edge, sees a safe gap between people and jumps in. I hurry quickly to the steps and down them and by the time I'm in the water India is hanging on the pool edge just kicking her legs, laughing happily.

It's mad almost to think when we gave India her first bath she screamed blue murder, now she's as happy as can be in the water and more confident than I'd like.

I grab my daughter and pull her into the centre, she then uses my arms as he support while Tia joins us in the water, it must be that everyone else is late or not coming as there's only eight of us here with our kids.

India completed the ISR last year and we've been continuing with swimming classes since. She is safe in the water, she knows how to float on her back, swim forward and now she's beginning to learn how to lift her head to come up for air during a toddler style front stroke. We've all been looking forward to these classes, Tia repeatedly told us that after Christmas we'd be working on developing the kids swimming further, that they will be going longer distances without aid. I'm nervous and excited about today's class.

"Ok parents, if you all want to bring your child to the edge and choose a toy float, today we're going to get your little ones swimming further than they are used to."

I take India to the edge and she grabs the pink starfish, I am nervous and excited as I always am in these lessons with India. Tia pushes these kids to their maximum ability week in and week out and it's been amazing to see not only India but the other children grow confident in the water. This class is for those who have been swimming for as long as and longer than India, newcomers wouldn't be allowed in this class and would have to wait for the next round of classes to begin. I also take James swimming once a week and he's currently still doing his ISR safety swimming lessons, it's so fun to go through it all a second time.

"Ok parents, step back to the half way width line of the pool and face the edge. Have your children in your hands as normal and take the toy. Push it as far as you can and give it a couple of seconds before encouraging your children to swim after the toy. Follow a step behind them but the aim is that they'll grab the toy and manage to kick to the edge of the pool, however if they can't and they roll onto their back for air that's ok, we'll keep trying this today." Tia explains, she'll be in the pool with us as always for the class and she'll come round one by one encouraging each parent and discussing what more we can do.

"Right India, give Mommy the star." I say already taking it away from her.

"I chase the star Mommy?" She asks, knowing how this game works from when we've played it before, the slight difference this time is the distance.

"Yeah baby, you chase the star. You ready?"

"Uh-huh." She nods excitedly and I hold her waist with one hand while giving the star a generous push.

It goes three quarters away from us so just a quarter of the way from the pool edge. India goes before I can actually release her from my grip. Her face goes underwater, so only the top of her head shows, her little legs kick behind her at quite a speed.

I hurry behind her, just in case she doesn't manage the length but I'm happily surprised when she lifts her head up and snatches a breath while looking for the pink floating star. The look on her face when she sees it's now by the wall is amusing by my little determined solider ducks her head back under and swims right to the edge before she grabs it and with her free hand grabs the star.

"Yeah India!" I cheer and clap as I come behind her, now I understand what Tia had in mind. Whenever the child swims towards the float it moves away, the water carrying it further away from the child. So when the child has swam the length they believe that they need to in order to get the toy, they realise that they toy is further away and they need to keep swimming, this though means they come up, float and breathe before going forward without the need to turn onto their back and float to catch air.

"Mommy look I got the star!" She yells excitedly and I can't help but cheer happily with her, damn my little girl is good!

"Wanna go again?" I ask and India immediately passes me the star and pushes me to go backwards.

I go back to the halfway point and push the star away, just like earlier India pushes away from me and swims forward, she comes up, breathes and sees that the float again has carried to the wall and down and under she goes. I'm so impressed with her.

On the third go Tia joins us and as India swims she talks me through what India does well and what we need to develop. Unlike some of the others, India doesn't use her arms as much when she's swimming, the only time her arms comes into play is when she comes up for the toy and catches her breath before realising the toy isn't there and continues swimming. Tia wants us to find a way of developing India's swimming ability with her arms as it will give her additional speed and strength in the water.

I encourage India like Tia said throughout the forty five minute class, I hold her ankles when she goes underwater, just for a second which means she has to use her arms to get out of it and it works a little, India goes three or four strokes further with her arms. I do know that the real swimming strokes will be taught to her when she's much older, like all kids in school she'll be taught how to do her front stroke and back stroke but if India continues to enjoy swimming. I'll probably have her continue private lessons. Who knows? It might be a sport she can become competitive in!

After the forty five minutes has passed it's a game then of getting India out of the water and dried and dressed before meeting the other parents in the café. Of course not all parents join us but I'm so glad I accepted Mandy's invite that first week as these ladies have become really good friends.

"Hey Ana, I got you a coffee and India some juice." Mandy smiles as we finally arrive at the café with minimal tantrums from India.

"Oh thank you so much." I say gratefully, Mandy and I have always got the other a drink depending on who gets to the café first.

"So come on, sit and tell us about your first day of work." Monica, the mother of twin daughters smiles as I settle India into a chair with her juice.

"Oh it was amazing." I smile broadly. These women know who I was and am, they know what I'm about and they've really been supportive this year as I've been building myself back up to go to work.

"Spill. What's the name of the new song!" Mandy squeals. It's strange just being the three of us, normally there are at least five of us for coffee and so the conversation is usually based on the kids.

"Ah, no spoilers, you'll just have to wait a couple of days when the chorus will be released on my website."

"No fun!" Monica pouts childishly making us all laugh. "Right clear your Friday night then ladies we need drinks to celebrate Ana's first week back at work."

"Oh no, no night out guys."

"Not a night out just an evening, couple of cocktails, early night." Mandy encourages and I somehow know I'm not getting out of this.

"Ok, just a couple. I'll ask my in-laws to have the kids, send the nanny to her sisters and we can even come back to mine for a couple more."

"Now that sounds like a plan." Monica grins, I guess I have plans this Friday.

"Any excuse to have a drink right girls?" I tease knowing that even though they say it's because I've gone back to work it's because they want me to join them for cocktails, I've always refused until now.

"Duh!" Monica laughs.

"Well I hate to cut this coffee date short but I have got to get home and pick up James, I have his one year appointment with the health visitor and paediatrician this afternoon so I have to get moving."

"Well I'll call you about Friday An' no backing out on us ok?" Mandy says as I down what's left of my coffee and grab my bag while India climbs from her chair.

"Ok, we'll have to have a three way call and have a major plan in place, no dressing up and showing me up now." I tease, it's nice not only to have friends who are mothers but friends who are mother close to my age too.

"It's a plan, see you on Thursday with James." Monica smiles, she has a little girl James' age too. "Hey Kate should join us for cocktails too." She adds hurriedly, Kate brings Caleb swimming with James and I so we have a similar friendship group.

"Of course, I'll call her tonight and let her now. See you guys." I smile taking India's hand in my own, it's time to go.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: ** I have never mentioned my sexual orientation or relationship status on fanfiction and I'd appreciate it if rude guest reviewers would do the same. I must also add why would I be in a relationship and getting married simply for attention? Am I not allowed to have found the love of my life and be getting married? does everything I do have to be for attention? Get a grip you homophobe.

**Fifty Shades Starting Over**

**It's been a year since Christian Grey was killed and Ana knows it's time for her to start living again. The past year has been undeniable hell but 365 days later and she knows that surviving alone is no longer an option. **

**Monday January 5th 2015**

Dropping off India and collecting James goes without a problem. Back in the car I head off to the paediatrician as quick as I can while still sticking to the speed limit. I am close to being late and that would not be good, I want to get in and out of there as quick as possible. As I drive I call Sandra having forgotten to do so earlier.

"Hey Ana, everything ok?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing Sandra, I hear you called the house looking for me earlier, I must say that is unusual you normally call my cell…"

"Well… uh…" she splutters knowing I've caught her out.

"Why don't you come over for coffee around seven this evening, we'll talk." I say knowing that she has loads of questions but now isn't the time.

"Ok, sure, seven. I'll see you then Ana."

"Bye Sandra." I laugh before hanging up, she and I are going to be having serious words when she comes over, I don't like being checked up on.

Taylor frowns disapprovingly beside me, I know it's one part of the Lexus he doesn't like, the built in Bluetooth hands free device. I have used it a lot when I've actually used the car but he thinks it's distracting on the road and has stated more than once I shouldn't use it when I have the kids in the car. He even tried the tactic 'Christian wouldn't have liked it' but it was the last time he ever tried that one on me. I stopped speaking with him for over a week and after Gail managed to persuade him to apologise for what he said I ripped him a new asshole and he knows now never to dare use that tactic to try and persuade me to do something again. I know Christian wouldn't like it, I know for certain that Christian wouldn't like half the things I do and even though it makes me feel incredibly guilty at times, Christian isn't here to stop me anymore.

When we arrive at the paediatricians office Taylor helps me get James out of the car and collects my purse. He knows to come in here with me, the last time I was here a student paediatric specialist wanted to know about the father and I froze, completely froze and if it wasn't for the fact Doctor Greene was there because she needed to be there, I wouldn't have been able to get home with James.

Inside I get us all checked in and James happily crawls over to the activity table while Taylor and I sit side by side as close to him as possible. I tuck my arm into Taylor's allowing him to know I need his support right now. The incident that occurred her last time will not happen again because it is now in our file that only our chosen practitioners are to see us at any time. It saves for fuck ups like last time.

"Everything's going to be ok." Taylor says quietly, tapping my hand in a fatherly manner. Even though we have had our fallings out this year, he's been a rock to me and the children and I wouldn't have survived without him.

"I know." I smile though I know it doesn't reach my eyes.

Thankfully we're not kept waiting long and Taylor scoops James up onto his shoulders while I collect my purse. We head through to the comfortable and child friendly office ready for what I know will be a good hour long meeting.

Today they will check James' development completely. They'll start by testing his hearing, they'll check is heart and all of that physical stuff then they'll want to test his speech, his development through play and it is going to take a while. I just hope they don't find anything unusual.

"Hello Ana, Hello Taylor." Doctor Liz smiles as we enter the room. "Hello there James." She beams up at him while he kicks and giggles excited.

"Let Uncle Jason put you down first Jay or you'll do my shoulders in." Taylor teases as he lifts James off his shoulders, even though it only makes him more excited.

"Right Ana, did you bring all the paperwork with you?" She asks as Tiffany, the kids health visitor enters the room.

"I did." I smile taking the file out of my purse. I hand it quickly to Tiffany knowing we have a lot to get through.

"Ok, I know you had the list of things we're going to do today. I'll do all the physical checks first, then Tiffany will do the mental checks and then we'll give James his shots. Ok?"

"Yeah ok." I smile awkwardly. I hate these things.

"Good, ok, well if you would like to sit down if you're happy to let me get on with the checks." Liz smiles, nodding her head towards the seat.

"You'll let me know straight away if something isn't right won't you?" I ask even though I know she won't, she'd have to do further checks and stuff before she'd tell me anything was wrong.

"Of course." She lies again signalling Taylor and I to the chairs.

We sit down and watch as Liz goes from one check to another, from his heart to his eyes and ears, she leaves no stone unturned. He's also weighed and measured. I have been concerned about his size actually, he seems smaller than India was at this age.

It takes ages and I'm dying to hear what she has to say. When she's finally finished and has James fully dressed once again she places him on the floor with a toy before coming over to us.

"He's doing great, everything looks and sounds as it should do. He is a little small for his age in both height and weight but that could all change at the drop of a hat. So I'm not too concerned, we'll keep an eye on him."

"Fantastic, thank you." I smile giving Taylor's hand a squeeze, I was so scared that she'd burst my bubble and tell me something was wrong with my son.

"Ok Ana, if you want to come over I'm going to need your help now." Tiffany smiles as Liz talks a clipboard over from the side and also joins us, it leaves Taylor sitting and waiting for us uncomfortably.

"You said in your notes that his speech is developing well and he walks comfortably with support, I'm going to need to see that ok." Tiffany says, I nod and wait for instructions. "Does he recognise objects around the home?"

"Yes."

"Animals?"

"Yes."

"Ok I'm going to show him pictures of objects and show them to him, encourage him to tell me what they are ok?"

"Sure."

"Ok, James." She calls the attention of my son and he instantly looks at her. She turns a card over an I see James studying it, he recognises the item but I have no idea if he knows how to say it.

"What is it James?" I question pointing to the picture. "Can you say what it is?"

"Bash." He states and I smile.

"He's trying to say splash." I explain as the next picture is shown.

"What's this James?" Tiffany asks.

"I don't think he knows that." I admit bashfully as Tiffany shows a picture of a bar of soap.

"It's ok, some of these cards are for two year olds onwards." Tiffany reassures turning the picture over. "We can just see if he knows some words that are considered advance that's all."

"Ok. Look what's that James." I state as Tiffany turns the photo over.

"Boon." He says towards the spoon in the photograph.

"Good boy. Aren't you clever?" I cheer excitedly as another photo is shown. "James what's Tiffany got? What's that?"

"Fok."

"Oh my God." I am mortified. Taylor is laughing uncontrollably. Tiffany is giggling like hell and even Liz is struggling to keep a straight face.

"It's ok Ana, it's done often you'd be surprised. I had a child who pronounced Binoculars as wankers, it happens."

"You can tell whose son he is. Christian Grey's mouth as well as his looks." I say trying not to laugh as I feel so embarrassed. Taylor continues to chuckle hysterically while Tiffany tries to move on.

"What's this James?" She asks pointing to a picture of a knife, at least this can't go wrong and in actual fact he doesn't know what it is, he doesn't use one at the table yet so it isn't a word he's familiar with.

It takes ages to go through all the cards, to show off his walking and then do all the other cognitive games but I'm so grateful when it's over. I know I'll get a report on him in the next couple of weeks and will know the true extent of his development.

After we have left the office and got into the car Taylor continues to chuckle at my son's slip up. I can't believe that fork came out sounding almost like fuck. I was so mortified! Once safely on the way home I call Grace, again annoying the hell out of Taylor.

"Ana, darling how are you?" She asks.

"I'm well Grace, listen I need to ask you a huge favour." I say nervously, I don't know how she'll feel about this but the worst she could do is say no.

"Ask away."

"Would you and Carrick by any chance be able to take the kids on Friday night?" I ask trying not to sound as nervous as I feel.

"Oh Ana, of course we can we'd love to!" She says excitedly, they haven't stayed with their grandparents much, I didn't want them too far away from me. "Any particular reason?"

"Uh… I'm going to go out for a couple of drinks with some of the mothers from the swimming club, then they'll come back to mine for a couple more. It won't be a late night or anything but I'd be happier not having to worry about the kids."

"Oh that's fantastic!" She exclaims, I glance at Taylor to see him looking just as excited. It's not that big a deal that I'm going for some drink with friends is it? "We'll pick up the kids after dinner unless you'd prefer us earlier."

"No after dinner is fine. Thanks Grace. I'll collect them for playgroup on Saturday we need to be there for midday."

"Ok, no problem Ana. Well if I don't see you before, I'll see you Friday."

"Bye Grace." I smile before hanging up. "Taylor why is it so exciting that I'm going out Friday?"

"Maybe because it's been a struggle to get you to leave the house this last year." Taylor replies bluntly, I'm glad he feels like he can even though this past year he's been reminded on multiple occasions that Christian is dead and it's now my rules, I'm his employer now.

"But it's just a few drinks. I've been having coffee with the girls after swimming twice a week since I started taking India."

"Yes that's true but this isn't coffee because you're there already and can't say no. This is making arrangements away from the kids and the pool to go out with just each other and be women and not mothers. You'll need to let me know where you're planning on going and allow me to sort the security."

"No security Taylor." I reply instantly. "I know you want to argue but right now I'm still a widow living at home afraid to go out of the house alone, people aren't expecting to see me around at the moment but when my next single comes out that changes. I know when that happens I'll have to have security all the time again, please let me have this last bit of freedom before my life changes again."

"Just let me know where you're going if you can, let me at least check the place out." He says.

"Ok, I'll see if the girls would be willing to go to Zig-Zags and we'll only be a couple of hours before going back to the house anyway." I explain and I see Taylor nod through the corner of my eye.

"Ok, just let me know as close to exact as you can, I just want to make sure you're safe." He states and it's my turn to nod.

Back at the house Taylor goes to his apartment after checking that James and I are ok to go inside alone. India greets us at the door with Carrie just a few feet behind her.

"India and I got started on dinner when Jason messaged to let us know you were on your way." Carrie says as she helps me with James so I can put my bag down and kick off my shoes.

"Oh thank you Carrie that's a big help, I have to get these two down for seven as I've got Sandra coming over for coffee." I say following her through to the kitchen.

"Sit down and let me finish the kids dinner, help me feed them and then we'll have food, I can handle the bedtime routine ok?"

"Carrie…"

"It's what you pay me for Ana, I can do it for tonight." She states and I know I can't argue with her, one night won't do me or the kids any harm.

"Thank you." I tell her sincerely, I don't want her to think I'm ungrateful. "I do want to kiss them goodnight before they sleep though."

"Of course." She chuckles picking India up to put in her chair.

We get the kids fed and give them both some banana pieces to keep them occupied while we eat. I fill Carrie in on the day, my work, India's swimming lesson and James' appointment. Carrie listens with rapt attention then tells me what each child was up to while I was with the other and at work. I love how things have flowed today, I know things won't always as with children things are most unpredictable but for my first day back at work I have been very lucky to have it go so smoothly.

At six thirty I finish loading up the dishwasher and go upstairs with Carrie, I have half an hour to help with the bedtime routine. She takes India and I take James and they both are bathed before Carrie gives them both a story on India's bed. After a tiring day I'm happy that they both fall asleep while Carrie reads and by seven o'clock when the gate phone rings both of my babies are in their own room fast asleep.

Carrie goes up to bed and I let Sandra in and greet her at the door. As soon as she sees me she looks bashful and I can't help but chuckle before leading her through to the kitchen.

"So come on, how was work?" Sandra asks before I've even made a coffee.

"It was… awesome." I smile and turn to her while I wait for the kettle. "It went by so fast and I got so much done as if I hadn't been away at all. Oh I'm so glad I did it Sandra and a huge part of me wishes I'd done it sooner."

"I knew you could do it." She smiles as I turn to the boiled kettle.

"Did you? Because you called the house to find out if I'd actually left." I laugh knowing she's blushing profusely behind me. "That's ok, there were moments I didn't think I'd make it."

"Go on." Sandra insists as I place a coffee down in front of her and hop on a chair on the corner of the island.

"Well I snapped at Carrie this morning, she was trying to help with the morning routine but that's my job and just because I was going to work I didn't want her help, I wanted to make things as normal as I could for all of us."

"There's nothing wrong with that." Sandra reassures.

"I know but it's the fact I don't have to do it alone, I may be a single parent and a widow Sandra but I pay her to help me take care of my kids, the morning routine and bed time routine would be so much easier and less time consuming if I'd allow her to help but I couldn't let her, I just needed to do it."

"Why, what made you feel the need to do it?"

"I needed to prove to myself I could." I admit knowing that's what she wanted me to do.

"Was it that you needed to prove it to yourself or did you feel like you needed to prove it to everyone else?" Sandra questions.

"I don't know, a bit of both I guess. They're my children, they're my responsibility."

"But like you said, you pay her to help you." Sandra reminds me.

"I feel like her job is to take care of them when I have other things to take care of, when I'm here it's my job. It's like parents who take their kids to nursery, they pay the staff to take care of their children while they work but then it's their responsibility to get them up and washed and dressed and then the same in the evenings, the bed time routine. They don't have anyone to help with that."

"But some do, some have nannies like you and others have husbands and parents. You have two kids and yourself to take care of and there is nothing wrong asking for help and accepting help given to you." Sandra explains and I nod, she's right and that's why I accepted Carrie's help this evening, as she said I pay for her to do it. "So what else happened today that you struggled with?"

"Well when I went for lunch I realised I hadn't called to check on the kids and at first I felt really bad but then I realised I should trust Carrie and Gail, they had everything under control and then it became a game not to call them, I kept picking up the phone and putting it down and picking it up."

"Did you call?" Sandra asks before blowing on her coffee to cool it, her eyes hooked on me.

"No." I smile, I know I did good in not calling.

"Well done, see you know you can do this." She states.

"It was really amazing, I enjoyed myself more than I thought I would and I can't wait to kick start my career again." I explain excitedly. I really can't wait to release this song and have it out in the world while trying to make more music and be a mom to my kids.

"Anything else exciting?" She questions because she knows I'm holding back from her.

"I'm letting the kids go stay with Christian's parents this weekend." I say and Sandra grins and nods but I know she doesn't know there's more. "Because I'm going out with some friends."

"Wow." Sandra says before smiling brightly. "Ana you're taking giant steps."

"I know, I'm just worried that I'm not really ready, that I'm fooling myself in thinking I can do this when in fact I can't. I still get moments where I want to stop and breakdown and I can't because I'm in a situation that doesn't allow me to." I explain nervously, I don't want her to tell me that in fact I'm not ready, not when I genuinely feel like I do except for in these moments.

"Give me an example of when this happened recently." Sandra says, I guess she needs to know more.

"Today, when I arrived at Grey Records and there was an A3 photograph of Christian and I singing on American Idol up on the wall. I realised I'd never have a moment like that with him again and that the amount of moments like that I had with him were too few. If Lila hadn't come through the door at that exact moment…I'd have turned right around and walked out that door." I explain feeling that uncontrollable grief consume me again.

"There's nothing wrong with that Ana, when you lose someone you love you have those moments and they'll always be there. The fact that you didn't turn around and walk out is what matters, maybe it was because Lila came through the door, maybe it wasn't, what matters is that you controlled it and you've gone the entire day without locking yourself away and breaking down. That's a hell of an achievement Ana." Sandra takes my hand across the table as she talks, I know she's willing me to believe what she's saying it's just hard, I can't help that I feel this way and I wish I had a better grip on it.

"I just want to move on Sandra. I know I'll never forget about Christian, I know he'll always be a huge part of me and there will be moments where I miss him more than anything else in the world. But I want to live again, I want to be me again." I explain trying not to cry.

"Then think about it Ana. You're taking steps, it's not going to happen overnight and I know you've accepted you'll never one hundred percent move on because you'll always miss him and he'll always be a part of you and your children. Can you think of things you've been considering that would help you move on that little more?" Sandra is being supportive as a friend now not as my shrink, I love how she can switch roles all the time.

"I want to… move." There, I've said it.

"Move… house?" Sandra asks and I nod embarrassed. I know this house was the only thing I wanted in the will but now it doesn't feel like my home, it was mine and Christian's home and I can only imagine how moving would make me feel, the myriad of emotions I'd struggle with. "Do you want to do that because you think it will help you move on or do you really want to move house? Explain to me why you're thinking about this." And there's my shrink again.

"Well it's both, I want to find a house and make it home for me and my children. Christian is everywhere in this house Sandra, I feel him here all the time. When I got out today and even before today when I'd take the kids somewhere, when I wasn't in the house I felt like I could breathe more, that I wasn't being suffocated by Christian and his memory. I don't want to forget about him, or fully move on from him but when I sold his cars, I felt a small part of that suffocating feeling lifting, that I was no longer bogged down by him. Am I terrible for wanting to move?"

"No." Sandra says taking my hand and squeezing it. "If you moved house would you take some of Christian's things? Put up his photograph? Keep your special stuff?"

"Of course, I could never depart with some of those stuff but he's here Sandra, in the air I breathe in this house and I need to leave that, I need to leave it behind me. There's a difference between keeping someone alive in your memory and being suffocated by the memory. Here I feel like I'm suffocated by it and that I have no hope of moving on until I move out." I feel terrible for having these feelings and I can't imagine talking about them with anyone but Sandra because she is the person closest to me furthest from Christian.

"Have you been in your room yet? In his study?"

"I can't, it's even stronger there."

"Why don't you try going in there, re-decorating them, putting your stamp on them and making it your space and then seeing how you feel, maybe your bedroom first which was a part of your space as much as it was him. I don't want you to rush into moving out to regret it after you've sold this place." Sandra explains gently, I know she's supporting me as a friend and psychiatrist and I am very grateful about that.

"Ok, I'll try but the thing is Sandra…" I take a deep breath, I know this is going to be the confession of a life time. "It's not so much that I can't go into those rooms as I don't want to go into those rooms."

"Why's that Ana?" Sandra asks.

"Because I'm scared that if I do go in there, this suffocation will becoming consuming and I won't be able to breathe on my own anymore, I don't want to be consumed like I was when he first died… not now… not when I'm getting stronger." I feel so guilty, I shouldn't want to move on like this right?

"Stop beating yourself up Ana. The fact that you want a life and that you want to move on isn't wrong. You're not going to forget about Christian and what you shared together, you're not burying all the memories and moving on completely, you're just living for you and your kids again." Sandra says, as always reading me like an open book.

"I'm so confused Sandra, I don't want to forget him and leave him behind and I know I won't but I want my life back. I want to live again." I tell her my tears tumbling uncontrollably now. I can't help it, the guilt I feel is overwhelming.

"One challenge at a time Ana, you're not going to forget him or leave him behind but there is nothing wrong with moving forward and living again. Christian wouldn't want you to sit at home and do nothing just grieve. He encouraged you to be a musician and I know he was strict and he controlled a lot of your career and stuff but come on Ana, he wanted you to have a career and be a mom and do normal things. Face your bedroom Ana, re-decorate, re-arrange furniture, allow yourself to cry and feel guilty but remind yourself there's nothing wrong with wanting to move on and starting to. It's been a year since he died, it might sometimes feel like a long time and other times feel like no time at all and that's ok too. You've got to learn to accept these feelings as ok and talk about them too." Sandra sounds frustrated but I know she just wants me to believe her. I hug her tight and I know for tonight this conversation it over.

Once Sandra's left I realise how knackered I am. I make my way upstairs, ready to go to bed. I pop my head around the doors of my sleeping toddlers before I stand on the landing. Sandra's right, I need to face my old room and Christian's study.

I walk down the hall in the opposite direction of my room and into mine and Christian's former room. My hand clutches at the handle and I feel my entire body shake. It's now or never, if I can't face this I know I never will be able to which means I'll never be able to move forward like I want to. After taking a deep breath I open the door and allowing it to slip open on its own.

Nothing has changed. The bed lays unmade from the last time I slept in it. Christian's pillow is side on where I fell asleep clutching it tight. His smell consumes me. He's here with me, I can feel it. I step inside slowly, trying not to bottle it.

This is nuts, I should be able to walk in here without any difficulty. It's my room, it's where I slept with my husband. I step completely inside and look around, the curtains are closed too. I can't believe actually that Gail managed to resist coming in here to clean. Dust has gathered over and around everything.

I walk to the dresser which holds a mixture of mine and Christian's things. Most of our stuff were in our closets but the odd few things were by the dresser. I pick up his cologne and put it to my nose, inhaling lightly so not to choke myself.

"Christian." I breathe, gulping back my tears.

I put it back carefully so not to disturb the dust. I want it to be exactly as it was. I turn and head into the bathroom. Christian's things lay where he left them, mine have been removed and taken into the en-suite in the guest room. I pick up everything one by one, his razor, his aftershave, his shaving foam and brush. I smile remembering the time he let me shave him, he was so nervous even though he said he trusted me. I didn't cut him though I was convinced I would. That reminds me of when he shaved me on our honeymoon, down there. Oh it was so erotic and arousing, I feel my stomach churn excitedly now just at the thought.

"I miss you." I say quietly brushing my cheek with his shaving brush. The bristles have gone hard now, it's no longer smooth on my skin.

I exit the bathroom and head into his closet next. Here his smell completely engulfs me. His suits lay untouched, dust now obvious on them. I know he would have hated this, absolutely hated that I'd allowed his suits to get this dusty. I know now I need to get them cleaned and give them away. Maybe Elliot will want a couple. I'll keep his ties for James when he's older, as well as his cufflinks and tie clips but I don't think I'll keep any of his suits.

I run my fingers along each article hanging up. They feel so soft and smooth under my fingers. When I arrive at his shirts I slip a white one off the hanger and shake it out to remove some of the dust. I put it down for a moment and strip from my clothes before I pull the shirt on. Laughing I remember the time I wore a shirt dress and Christian believed I'd put his shirt on with a belt, he was not happy with how short it was but it was a nice dress. Once the shirt is buttoned up nicely I head to his drawers and open it. Only Christian Grey would have his boxer folded and rolled neatly as if they were brand new. I grab the Calvin Klein's that I bought him on our first Christmas to replace those I'd stolen from him. I can't help but sniff them, they smell like him still.

I pull the boxers on and leave the closet. Sandra's right, I do need to sort this room out first, it will be the first step for me. I can either make this house my home, piece by piece, or I re-decorate it all and then sell it on for someone else. I have to try first though, no point moving if I don't need to right?

In the bedroom I climb into bed. I grab Christian's pillow and wrap myself around it. His smell is on it just not as strong as it was, it smells a little of damp and I guess that's from my tears drying on it.

"Christian." I whisper. "I need to know what to do. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm doing everything wrong. Do I change this room, do I sort out your stuff and re-decorate this room and your office? I wish you could tell me or show me. I know you're with me. I feel you." I let my hand drift over to the side of the bed where I can almost feel him sitting and looking down on me. "I love you, that will never change I just want a life again, I want to live and make a life for India, James and I. I love you."

I allow myself to cry, I need the release now. I sob and eventually fall asleep, hoping to have a better idea of what to do in the morning.


End file.
